


Memoirs of a Rodeo Fuck-up

by elwinglyre



Category: Brokeback Mountain (2005)
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-13
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-14 22:12:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8030737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwinglyre/pseuds/elwinglyre
Summary: Jack Twist here. This is my life, or my story. It's about a rodeo fuck-up (me) who learns that being a fuck-up has distinct advantages. My story is a rambling one, so take your time and read it. I'd like to take this space to thank these two mighty-fine fellas who were kind enough to ghost write these memoirs for me. First off, there's icewolf88 who started my story, then he handed the chore off to el_wing (elwinglyre)





	1. Fuck-up Number One

May 6, 1965, was one scorcher of a day in Childress, Texas. They said the temperature was supposed to be in the upper 90s, and I could swear I felt myself melting. It was at these moments that I found myself missing Wyoming with a passion. Last time I was there was back in ‘62 when I was herding sheep for Joe Aguirre up on Brokeback Mountain. 'Course, with Aguirre being the asshole he was, he just had to find a man like him to send up to the mountains with me. Woulda been better on my own that summer with the amount of work I got out of my so called "partner." Made enough that summer though to get me to Texas and the rodeo circuit. That lasted until I got too busted up to continue. It was on that hot summer day during that last year of my rodeo days that I met Miss Lureen Newsome, and my life changed.

Thinking on her now I should have known I was in trouble. Lureen, she was a wildcat in disguise. Turns out her daddy owned a big farm equipment business and was rolling in money. First time I laid eyes on her, she was barrel racing. I was sitting on the back of my pickup when she came flying by me on that paint horse a hers out of the arena, her red hat flying. Being the gentleman my momma raised me to be, I bent down to retrieve it and brushed the dirt off. She came trotting back up to me high on that pony. "Here ya go, ma’am," I said as I handed it up to her. I was quite taken with her long brown hair, her perky red lips and her lithe figure. She was the prettiest thing I’d ever seen. When she smiled at me, I felt it go right through me. Then she rode away without saying anything.

I had a feeling I hadn’t seen the last of her.

Well, I went on to make my ride that day and was pissed off the rest of the night. I only made 5 seconds on the back of that devil bull. Limping out of the arena, I took my last $10 and headed for the nearest bar to drown my misery. Sitting at the bar, I felt someone staring pretty little holes in me. To my right was a wall, so I knew it wasn’t from that direction, so I turned to the left. There she was. Turning back to the bartender, I asked him if he knew who she was.

"Her?" he said, nodding in the woman’s direction. "Yeah, I know her. Name’s Lureen Newsome. Her daddy sells farm tractors, and I’m talkin' 'bout the big ones." With that, he turned to fill the next mug.

Turning to look again, I saw her eyeing me. Now, I'm not one to turn down the favors of a pretty lady, but I wasn’t much interested that night. I ducked my head as I saw her heading in my direction from the corner of my eye. I looked to the ceiling thinking, _Shit. Not tonight, please._ Unfortunately, no one upstairs was listening. She leaned up against the bar next to me. I gave her a quick look and saw the devilish grin she was wearing.

"What’re ya waitin for, Cowboy? A matin' call?" she asked. Without another word, she grabbed my hand and dragged me out on the dance floor.

We ended up drinking and dancing all night, and I was pretty much running on auto-pilot by the time we left. Next I knew, we were riding in her daddy’s car and heading down a back road out of town. Pulling over, she grabbed my hand. Somehow, we ended up over the front seat into the back with her all over me.

We were both going at it hot and heavy when suddenly she sat up and looked at me, blinking.

"Ya don’t think I’m too fast, do ya?" she asked.

All I could manage to say was, "Fast or slow, I just like the direction you're goin'." With that, she popped open her shirt, and her bra was history.

That night I was the bull, and she was the rider. We had a good strong ride,  lasting a hell of a lot longer than 8 seconds.

Afterwards, she dropped me off at the bar so I could pick up my truck. With a "see ya later," she was gone.

I figured I’d never see her again.

Well, after that night, I had pretty much put her out of my mind. During that summer, I went on the rodeo circuit throughout Texas. As usual, the bull won most times. Every time I got thrown, it reinforced my daddy’s cutting words. Ever since I can remember he told me that I was lazy and good for nothing-- that I was doomed to fuck everything up no matter what. I wondered growing up if he had noticed something about me that I couldn’t see. Something different. For the last 22 years, it felt like something was wrong with me, like a piece of me was missing.

Anyway, I was riding in San Antonio that Friday night, and this time I actually won, which put me in a good mood. I was heading back to my truck to get some sleep when Don, one of the guys from the announcer's booth, called me over and told me I had a phone call. The only reason I could think of that anyone would track me down was that something was wrong with my momma. I jumped up and headed for the booth, following Don at a brisk pace. He pointed over to the corner where the phone was.

I picked up the receiver. "Hello?" I said.

"Is this Jack Twist?" came a woman’s voice on the other end. She sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite place her.

"Yes, it is," I said. "Who’s this?"

"This is Lureen. Lureen Newsome-- from Childress? Do ya remember me?"

My stomach churned, I said, "Yeah, I remember ya. What can I do for ya?"

"Well," she said, stammering. "Th-there’s a pr-problem, J-Jack. I-I-I-I’m pregnant."

The phone slipped out of my hand without me even noticing until it clunked against the floor. _Pregnant? Sweet Jesus._ I thought about leaving her hanging, but I sucked in my pride and picked the phone back up.

 "Are ya sure?" I asked. 

 _Course she’s sure, ya idiot,_ I said to myself.  "I mean, how long?" I blurted out.

"Ya mean how far along am I? Well, I added everything up, and it come out to that night at the bar. Jack, what’ll I do?"

Getting my wits about me, I decided to do what my momma would want me to do. "Don’t panic, Lureen," I said. "I’m in San Antonio. If I leave at first light, I should be there sometime tomorrow. I’ll take care of this."

"I always knew ya were a good man, Jack. Ok. I’ll see ya tomorrow then. G’night, Jack."

"G’night, Lureen," I said. 

Turning around, I saw Don, standing there smiling at me. "What the hell’s so funny?"

"Nothin', Jack. So, ya knocked her up, huh?"

Not even bothering to answer him, I pushed past him and headed back out to my truck. My good mood vanished along with all prospects for a good night's sleep. I pulled an old saddle blanket over me to take off the night chill.

First light found me about 10 miles outside of Childress with my stomach somewhere down around my boots and my heart about up to my throat. Pulling into the first filling station I came to, I asked the gas attendant how to get to the Newsome home. I followed his directions and put the look he gave me out of my mind. I pulled up to the Newsome home at around 9 a.m.

I sat there in the driveway a moment in a daze.

Now I figured with the way she looked that night and from what the bartender told me that Lureen wasn’t from no-dirt poor family, but the house in front of me spoke big money. More money than I’d ever seen. Anyway, I crawled out of the truck and headed to the front door. The door opened before I could even knock. There she was. A magnificent and mysterious beauty. Before I could even think of what to say, she threw herself onto me with a kiss that’d liked to kill me.

"Oh, Jack, I’m so glad yer here," she said, getting herself back under control. "Come on in. Want ya to meet momma and daddy." 

Without giving me a chance to answer, she grabbed my arm and practically dragged me into the house. Her momma, a quiet gentle woman, gave me a look like all mommas have-- that said I better be doing right by her little girl. All I could do is throw on one of my smiles that spoke, I’m a good boy. 

Her daddy, on the other hand, looked at me like I was the lowest piece of trash on earth. He hated my guts the minute he laid eyes on me. He looked to me like any other rich man who thought anyone who didn't have as much money as him wasn’t worth a plugged nickel.

The wedding took place that Saturday. Just Lureen and I, her parents and preacher and his wife, who witnessed and played the organ. Her daddy watching me like he expected me to run right out the doors of the church. Even to this day, he expects me to run. Why, that old bastard has even offered me money to run as far away as I could get over these years. Never took him up on it. Didn't think I was that kind of man. 

Few months later, I was in the waiting room, pacing a hole in the maternity room floor. One of the nurses stared at me like she'd break my legs given a chance, so I headed outside for a smoke. 

Now, I had to admit that having a kid was always the last thing on my mind, seeing as how at the ripe old age of 21, I wasn’t much more than a kid myself. Wasn’t even sure how to raise one, but I’ll tell ya, the first time I laid eyes on my son, I felt my heart swell up with so much love that I was afraid it would burst-- this little tyke with his little shock of black hair and eyes so blue they take yer breath away, was the most beautiful sight I’d ever seen.

"What do ya think we should name him?" Lureen asked.

"Wanna call him Robert after my favorite uncle," I answered, not taking my eyes off him.

"That’s a nice name, but why not name him John after you?"

"Cause I don’t want anyone or anything carryin' my daddy’s name. Bad enough I got stuck with it. So, what 'bout his middle name?"

"Thought 'bout givin him my daddy’s name, but knew ya wouldn’t like it, so, how 'bout James?"

"Sounds good to me, but why James, if ya don’t mind my askin'."

"It sounds good. Robert James Twist. Sounds mighty fine when ya say it out loud."

"Well, Robert James Twist, welcome to this screwed-up family."

"Now, Jack, don’t ya be givin' him a complex already," Lureen said, smiling. "Yer liable to scare him so bad he’ll wanna crawl back inside, and I fer one don't wanna go through another ten hours like I just had."

Well, Robert, or Bobby as we came to call him, turned out to be the kind of son any parent would be proud to call their own. Of course, he gave us our share of hard times and scares just like any other kid. My biggest fear of all, the one I never told anyone about, was that that bastard L.D. would somehow turn my son against me. He didn’t even wait for Bobby to be more than a day old before he started trying to horn his way in between us. And I swear to God, if that man calls me Rodeo one more time I’m gonna just say to hell with it and kick his sorry ass all over the state of Texas.

The only happy memory I have of L.D. was one Thanksgiving. He and I argued over Bobby watching football when he was supposed to be eating. It got to the point that I finally lost my temper and told L.D. that it was my house and my son and that if he didn’t sit down and shut up I’d knock his ignorant ass into next week. I could see the smile Lureen was trying to hide, and it made me feel good. 

The asshole sat down and shut up after that. In fact, things were great after that. He avoided me every chance he got.

Not sure what happened after all that. Seems like the closer Bobby and I got, the further apart Lureen and I grew until she turned into an Ice Princess. Don't know who to blame for that one. I watched it happen, and I still feel bad that I never did a thing to stop it.


	2. Fuck-up Number Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter written by icewolf88

Now, on to the second time my life was changed. It was around June of 1977. I'd had enough of L.D. Newsome to last more than five lifetimes, so I decided that I needed a vacation. Hell, I was entitled to one. Just as I was going to take it, I learned that my daddy had a heart attack. I may have hated the bastard, but he was still my daddy so, after telling Lureen where I was going, I headed out for Wyoming and the family ranch in Lightning Flat. Wasn't the kind of vacation I wanted, but it was time away from L.D. none the less.  
  
Too tired to drive all the way, I stopped for the night in a little town called Riverton to get some sleep. I called momma and told her where I was and that I’d be there the next day. I got a room at the Motel Siesta. I dropped my bags and looked around. The place sure had seen better days. No TV, lamp bulbs were burned out. Nothing to do, so I decided to walk to the nearest bar, and have a drink. I was missing my boy but didn’t seem to be missing my wife much at all. Never saw much of each other lately. Can't miss what you never even have. Well, anyway, I walked over to a bar called The Ace In The Hole, came in and sat down at the bar and ordered a longneck beer. Taking a sip, I looked around. It was a nice place as far as small town bars went. Booths along one wall that seen too many years and tables with mismatched chairs scattered here and there. A jukebox in one corner played "Ring of Fire" while men drank around a couple of pool tables, a few with cues in their hands. Even a space for dancing that took me back to the time I met Lureen. A lot different place than this though.  
Being only a Thursday night, the place wasn't crowded. Only one booth was being used by a young couple who looked to be out on a date. There were a couple of fellas like me bellied up to the bar sipping their beers and not paying anyone else any mind. A few at the pool tables, like I said before. And there was one man sitting at the other end of the bar who drew my attention. Not that he was calling attention to himself, in fact, the opposite was true. He was trying so hard to not call attention to himself that he was drawing my eye like light to a black hole. I guess I must have been daydreaming for a bit, because next thing I knew he was staring me down.

  
We locked eyes. Even in the darkness of the bar, I could see his brown eyes had just a hint of gold in them. Finally, my senses got the better of me; I dropped my gaze back down on my beer. I peeled the label. There was just something about him that was scaring the living shit out of me. I wanted to look back up so bad and see if he was still there. I wondered what it would be like to be wrapped in his arms. To feel his lips pressed against mine. I shook my head. I was also wondering where these thoughts were coming from. I’d never had thoughts like these in my entire life. I sure as hell didn't think I was gay. I mean, I’d never fantasized about other men before, so what made this guy so special? I decided to just finish my beer and head back to the motel and get some sleep.  
  
Rising from the bar, I looked in his direction once more to see that he was already gone. I shrugged my shoulders, turned, and walked out the door.  
  
Stepping out into the dark, I stood there for a bit just breathing in the clear Wyoming air-- something I’d missed all these years living down in Texas. I turned toward the motel and began the short, lonely walk back. Passing under a street lamp, a voice startled me, coming from nowhere outta the dark.  
  
"Ya should be careful where ya put yer eyes at, Mister. Someone's liable to take offense at it."  
  
I turned to the guy from the bar, leaning up against what I assumed was his truck with a cigarette dangling from his lips. At that particular moment, I wasn't sure whether to run or stand and fight.  
  
"Ain’t gonna hurt ya," he said. "Just thought I’d give ya some friendly advice is all." The man stepped forward, careful like I was a skittish horse. I got to admit that the sound of his voice soothed me, sending a tingle flying through my body the likes of which I’ve never felt before in my life. I guess edI didn't need to get back to my hotel right away.  
  
"Didn’t mean anything by it," I said. "Never happened to me before. I mean, I don’t go around starin' at men on a regular basis. How 'bout I buy ya a beer as my way of apologizin'?"  
  
"Well, now, how ya know I ain’t just gonna beat yer ass for lookin' at me like ya was?"  
  
"Cause if ya was, ya woulda done it by now. And I take ya as a man of yer word since ya already told me ya wasn’t gonna do it."  
  
"Well, in that case, a beer sounds right nice, but not back in there."  
  
"Ok, but if not there then where?"  
  
"Follow me, and I’ll take ya to another one on the other side of town."  
  
"Ok, my truck's over at the motel if’n ya wanna wait for a bit while I go get it," I said, turning back towards the motel.  
  
"No need for that," he said. "Hop in, and I’ll give ya a ride." Deciding that it wasn’t a bad idea, I walked around the truck and climbed in the passenger side.  
  
Never could stand quiet. I couldn’t help but keep looking at him from the corner of my eye, trying to figure him out. Finally, I got tired of waiting for him to speak and I introduced myself.  
  
"Name’s Jack Twist," I said, reaching my hand out to shake his.  
  
"Ennis," he said, returning the shake with a firm grip.  
  
"Yer folks just stop at Ennis?" I asked with a grin.  
  
He just gave me a look that all but screamed _Smartass_. "Del Mar."  
  
"Well, nice to know ya, Ennis Del Mar," I said. He just grunted, but a small smile played across his lips.  
  
Finally, we pulled into the parking lot of the other bar. A smile crossed my face. The neon sign blinked ‘Brokeback Bar and Grill.’  
  
"Ever been there?" I asked him as we get out and head inside.  
  
"Where? Brokeback Mountain? Nope. Never been. You?"  
  
"Yeah. Was there back in ‘62. Worked for an old bastard by the name of Aguirre runnin' sheep. Swore I’d never work for him ever again. Gotta tell ya, though, that I never saw a prettier sight in my life. Wonder who named this place Brokeback."  
  
"Probably him," Ennis said, pointing to the bartender. There stood the son of a bitch Aguirre.  
  
Walking inside, we found us a table. I made sure it was as far away from the bar as possible. Nice dark corner where he could keep his sorry self away. I ordered a round on me. We talked for most of the night. Well, I did most of the talking, but Ennis did manage to throw a few words in here and there. I told him about my momma and daddy, Lureen and Bobby and about that piece of shit father-in-law of mine. Not sure what it was about Ennis, but I found myself practically pouring out my life story to this virtual stranger. He told me bout his ex-wife and his two daughters, about his jobs on different ranches. We talked and drank so much that time just flew until suddenly we heard, "last call." Not wanting the evening to end, I proposed we stop at the liquor store to grab some more beer and take it to my room at the motel. He stopped and looked at me for a moment, eyes squinting.  
  
The next words out of his mouth took me completely by surprise.  
  
"Ya know I ain’t queer," he said quietly so his voice wouldn't carry.  
  
I gave him a strange look and replied with heat in my voice, "Well, neither am I! And I ain’t tryin' to pick ya up or nothin' either. If ya don’t wanna go back to my room then don’t bother. I’ll find my own way back there."  
  
I stood up feeling a little unsteady on my feet, but anger fueled my desire to walk out of there on my own. How dare this total stranger accuse me of trying to pick him up?! As if I would even wanna know what it would feel like to kiss those lips or feel those arms wrapped around me?! I did a double take, wondering where these thoughts were coming from. I’d never had thoughts like these before. And the hurt look that suddenly came into his eyes about tore my heart in two. Doing my best to ignore that pitiful gaze, I stumbled for the door. I’d only made it a couple of feet when I suddenly felt a firm hand on my arm. I tried to shake it off, but his grip was tight. He pulled my arm over his shoulder for support, then wrapped his arm around my waist to hold me up.  
  
"What the hell ya think yer doin?" I asked him, my words slurred.  
  
"Aguirre!" he yelled over his shoulder. "Give me a case ta go!"  
  
He fished some bills out of his pocket in exchange for the beer.  
  
"Bud, yer too drunk to be walkin' on yer own," he said. "I’m just gonna help ya out to the truck and take ya back to yer motel is all."  
  
"I don’t need yer help, Ennis Del Mar. I can make it back on my own," I said, trying to pull away from him. I damn near fell on my ass for that stunt, but he grabbed me again just in time.  
  
"Sure ya are, Jack Fuckin Twist," he said laughing. He helped me into the passenger side of his truck. It was at that moment that I wondered if he was sober enough to drive as he climbed behind the wheel.


	3. Fuck-up Number Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

Have to say, I was fearing for my life on that ride to the Motel Siesta.  
  
I think it was that sharp, fast turn off Pure Gas Road to Federal that done it; I puked out the window, no warning. Del Mar didn't even slow down. I said to him, "Sorry friend, think I got some on the side of yer truck." I wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand. Del Mar just mumbled something back. Never knew what.  
  
After the fire was out of my belly, I realized the kind of danger I was in. And it wasn't just from Ennis Del Mar's driving.   
  
"Hand me one a them beers," he told me. I did. Opened the end of the cardboard pack. Took a cold one out. My hand touched his and boy howdy! Shit, I never felt sparks like that. I decided to take another beer for myself. Reached in and popped the top. Never did learn when to stop. I slurped the foam, and I caught him checking my crotch.  
  
"What you lookin' at?" I asked defensively. He went berserk. Stepped hard on the gas.  
  
I lurched forward. Looked down at the wet spot.  
  
"You spilt yer beer," he said.   
  
Liar, I said to myself. I spilt that after.   
  
Like a first kiss, my fingers still tingled, making a part a me wake up that never been roused like that before. I moved the 12-pack of Pabst for cover. Didn't want him stepping on the gas again.  
  
His eyes met mine for split second. Then he turned his attention back on the road. Just squinted ahead like he was beating the devil around the stump. I let it go.   
  
We got to my motel. Almost passed it. He did a U-turn on 26. Steering wheel spinning. Brakes screeching. Never heard so many horns honking in my life. Then when he parked, hit the cement wheel-stop. Rolled right over the top, THUNK! My eyes nearly popped out of my head.   
  
Couldn't open my door fast enough. He came around to my side. I'd slid off the seat onto the ground. I must have looked like a fool, laughing. I kissed the ground once or twice-- thanking the Lord that I was still living after that ride.   
  
He wasn't amused.  
  
I looked into those brown eyes. I stuttered. Hell. Looked at his chest-- his old denim shirt, years too small, fit snug, clinging to him from a day's work.   
  
"Tarnation! Ridin' a bull is safer than ridin' with you!" I bellowed.  
  
"That's not funny, Twist."  
  
He pulled me up from under my arms.   
  
I slapped my jeans, beating the dirt off. Being drunk, I wasn't too accurate. Missed my leg altogether a couple of times. Well, more like five times.  
  
I looked up to see his eyes dancing, watching me under that beat-up hat a his. I frowned. Now he's laughin' at me.  
  
"Well, got all that beer. Don't want ta waste it. Come on in," I said.  
  
"What room?" he asked.   
  
Damned if I could recall. Then I reached in the front pocket of my jeans.   
  
"Room number's on the key," I remembered.   
  
He watched me search with his thumb under his chin like it was holding it up.  
  
No luck. I went for my back pockets. I began rambling on about how, during my rodeo days, I'd lost the keys to my truck once and had to have one of the old rodeo clowns hotwire my piece of junk pickup. I was in the middle of telling him how that same clown had melted the wiring to his own Ford after replacing a fuse with aluminum, when the next thing I know, his hand is down my pants. I yelped like some puppy. He fishes out the key. Dangles it in front of my eyes like it's the catch of the day.  
  
Room 114.  
  
I was like a sailor on rough sea all the way to the room. Del Mar helped me along, took me by the collar and armpit. He was better at getting me to the door then driving at least. Held me up with his knee and one elbow as he turned the key. My face was mashed against the doorframe, his weight on me when he pushed the door open. I hiccupped into his face, then laughed.  
  
Stepped into the dark. I counted out loud: "One foot, two foot." Then, "Oops...slipped there, Del Mar...am I too hard ta hold?"  
  
Now that didn't come out right.   
  
A flick of the switch. Space separated us. I wobbled.   
  
"And there was light!" I yelled, giggling and throwing up my arms. Hell, someone had to laugh at my corny jokes. I turned to see him smirking in my face. He grabbed my upper arm before I took a dive. I guess he thought I was funny after all.  
  
"I reckon ya can let me go," I said. "I ain't going nowhere but down."  
  
Del Mar shook his head and set the beer on the bed. I flopped down on my back on the same. Spin. Spin. Spin. World was like one giant bathtub, and I was spinning down the drain.  
  
I grabbed onto the quilt, trying to stop the world. Didn't work.  
  
"Hey, Del Mar? You there?"  
  
"Right here, bud."  
  
"Be a friend and help me sit up."  
  
He got behind me and pushed. Sitting up was one thing, staying up another. I did a slow sideways drop. Del Mar pushed me back straight, then propped me up, his back to mine.   
  
I heard him rolling a cigarette. Never did that much myself, 'cept back that summer on Brokeback. Heard the flick of his lighter. Felt his lungs take in a big drag. Handed it over his shoulder to me.   
  
"Ever rodeo?" I asked.  
  
Ennis took off his mashed-up Stetson and set it next to me.   
  
"Nope, but seen 'em."  
  
"Did some a that-- how I got this belt buckle. Yep, ridin' the bulls. Nothin' like it. Got me busted up bad though."  
  
He reached for the Pabst. Pulled two out of the pack in one hand, a finger separating the two. Handed one to me. I took it careful. Popped it. Took two big gulps.  
  
"Only riding I like lasts more than eight seconds," he said.   
  
"My ol' man rodeo'd too. Was famous fer it. Guess ya never heard a him."  
  
"Nope."  
  
Our backs stuck together like they was glued. I liked the lazy feeling, sitting here, shooting the shit with the man. Seemed like I knew him all my life instead of one evening.  
  
"Never taught me a thing, though. Father should do that, teach his son, don't ya think?"   
  
"I spend as much time as I can with my daughters. Don't know as I teach 'em much though. Did go ta see them in the Christmas play at the church."  
  
"My ol' man never came ta see me ride-- not one time." I closed my eyes. World wasn't spinning anymore. "Bet yer a good pa."   
  
"Try my best."  
  
"Me, I'm a sorry father. I try to do right. I never wanted a kid. Got one anyhow. Ain't Bobby's fault he was born."  
  
Don't know why I was telling him my life story.  
  
"You gonna pass me that cigarette back?"   
  
"Sorry, Ennis."  
  
"My father never had much use for the rodeo. Thought all rodeo cowboys were fuck-ups."  
  
"Fuck-ups?" I said to him, puffing up like a rooster. I got up on my knees and began bouncing and bucking on the bed like I was riding a Brahma, whooping and waving one arm in the air with the other firm on the bed. Ennis was bouncing around too. I seen him laughing with every new bounce, so I got my wobbly legs under me better and blew myself higher, kicking my heels out. He laughed even harder, so I got one leg tucked under me good, then spun up and out, like I was flung off the bull. I lit down hard on top of Ennis.  
  
"Rough dismount there, bud."   
  
The wind was knocked out of both of us, but we was both still laughing.  
  
"Yeah," I said. I slid against the length of him, felt his groin hard under me. His laughed died down. My hand moved and held onto a spot that I ought not be touching.   
  
He scrambled out from under me. Straight up on the bed, looking down at me. Both of us stared at each other, breathing harder than we should.   
  
It happened quick. He flipped me over like I was a calf he was roping. His hand worked the snaps on my jeans, and I helped him yank them below my knees. Yanked me up all fours, ass end in the air.  
  
As I heard him unzipping his jeans, I grabbed onto the quilt for dear life and bit my tongue. I never wanted anything as bad as I wanted Ennis Del Mar.  
  
What was wrong with me?  
  
---  
 


	4. Fuck-up Number Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

The first of the best nights of my life is what it was. I didn't see it as that at the time. I woke up feeling like a plunger was sucking the brains out my ears, and a propane torch was igniting up my ass. I was also in a bitch of a mood because my "friend" from the night before had left-- slunk off into the Riverton sunset, corner bar, or trailer park, wherever men like him go after getting laid.   
  
It hurt, but I took it like a man. Least I thought I was still one, but after taking it up the ass...   
  
Thing was, I liked him. Thought we had a connection. I know those were words that made me run the other way when girls used to say it to me, but I couldn't forget how long we just talked. And about little stuff. Then later. Couldn't forget the way it felt with him taking me from behind. Every second kept coming at me like bees swarming a hive. Hated that I loved it. Hated that I wanted it again. Hated most of all that I hated he left without a word.  
  
I showered in a yellowed stall, stains running down the walls like my soul. Tried hard to scrub away the aching for what I shouldn't want. I toweled off as I stepped into my 100 square foot of motel room and dropped the towel on the dated shag carpet. Room still smelled of drink, sex...   
  
and Ennis Del Mar.  
  
I shook my head, sloshing that name around inside. If his name would work itself out my ears, I'd be better off, I reckoned. And I had to hit the road and get to Lightning Flat. Now that was a bitch with a capital B if I ever knowed one.   
  
Hated going back there with a passion. Wanted to see mamma, but not bad enough to see my ol' man. Had to though. Couldn't leave mamma to deal with this alone.  
  
Between the stinking hangover, pining over what happened on them sheets last night and dreading the drive down the number one dead-end road on planet Earth, I was hurting bad. Went from tack to sledge hammer slamming my skull. Needed aspirin bad. Opened my suitcase, and there they were packed, of course--   
  
Lureen thinks a everythin'.  
  
I flipped the tin and popped three Bayer into my mouth. Dry. Figured it was just another way to pay for last night's sin.  
  
I snapped my suitcase shut and did a once-over of the room for items I might have left. Then, I shut that door to my past. Least I thought I did.  
  
I checked out, asking the clerk if there was any messages. Weren't none. So I left. Took those last painful miles to the place that I spent too many years and too many bottles of whiskey trying to forget.  
  
I drove down that old dirt road in my Ford pick-up, dust flying and grit gluing to the dashboard. I choked back a sob. Reckoned I cried like a baby 'cause every bump in the road reminded my ass end of what I was headed from.  
  
Or what I was headed to.   
  
Never wanted to ever come back home. Driving up to the old place, I saw the nightmare of my childhood. House was so much the same felt like someone was walking on my grave. House in the same disrepair-- more bare wood than paint. Glass in the front window still cracked from the day I leaned too hard against it and pa beat me silly.   
  
Pa's old chair was sitting in the same spot, rocking. Spooked me awful. Like he was there, watching.  
  
Didn't want to open my door and get out. Sat there in the pick-up. Have to say I was shaking. Not a superstitious man. Seemed like some kind of omen though, seeing that chair rocking. Took all I had to get out. Got my bag and went up the front steps, each board sagging underfoot. Wood on the porch was worn to a shine. Knocked hard. No one home. Chair creaking next to me. Opened the door and went in-- knob was still loose, just like the day I left the place. Made my way through the house and upstairs, calling out for mamma, but no answer.  
  
Old bedroom was the same as the day I left it too. One place in the whole stinking house that I ever felt safe. My sanctuary. Pa used to think it was punishment to send me there. Naw, it was my paradise. I could close my eyes and dream I was far away. Saw Hawaii in my mind, like in them National Geographic magazines mamma had. Saw Big Ben. Saw the Great Wall of China.   
  
Trip down memory lane had potholes.   
  
Hated unpacking. Meant staying in my mind, but I done it anyway.   
  
Found it when I was putting clothes in my old pine dresser-- an old faded A&P register receipt with a phone number and the word "call" scrawled on the back.   
  
My heart jumped into my throat.  
  
"Well, zip-a-dee-doo-dah and call me Tinker Bell!" Knew my legs shouldn't be turning to jelly and my insides to peanut butter, but I couldn't stop my jubilation.   
  
Couldn't stop my hankering either.   
  
Knew I should be feeling guilty. Got me a beautiful wife at home I barely touch-- a woman who men look at with tongues hanging out.   
  
Never felt like this with Lureen. Never.  
  
Not her fault. Mine.  
  
The day I said "I do" was the day I knew I didn't.   
  
I kicked off my boots and threw myself down on my old bed. Quilt smelled clean.  
  
Mamma must a washed 'em.  
  
Was easy drifting off, smelling sheets dried by mamma in Wyoming wind.   
  
\-----------------------  
  
Knew it was a dream. Del Mar on me, in me. Branding my soul.  
  
Not in the Siesta Motel either. Instead, in the middle of the Brokeback Bar, me with nothing on but a pair of assless leather chaps. Del Mar bending me over our table, pecker sticking out of his nice tight Levis. Budweiser bottles falling off the table, breaking to pieces on the floor.  
  
Like it was real. Felt real. Calloused hand working me frenzied. Mind-blotting cock slamming into me. Balls slapping my ass. Even heard myself swearing out loud. Knew I was calling out, "Ennis."   
  
Still, knew it was a dream. No one seemed to pay us no mind, fucking like rabbits. Heard a voice calling my name in the back. Telling me to get up.   
  
Came. Hard, swearing.  
  
Smelled real. Beer and sweat and cigarettes and come.  
  
Del Mar was shaking me. Saying we gotta leave. Aguirre's face was red, shouting, "Git the hell outta here! This is no way ta pass the time! Stem the rose somewheres else."  
  
I woke.  
  
Mamma was looking down on me.  
  
Nothing worse than having your mamma wake you from a wet dream. Least I was under the quilt. I bunched the wedding ring pattern in my hand.  
  
"Who's Ennis?" she asked.  
  
Shit.


	5. Fuck-up Number Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

 Big sky eyes that speak the soul of a soft earthy heart-- mamma said that about me since I could recall. What she saw as strength, pa saw as weakness. I reckon I believed pa for most my life up until Bobby was born. Then I seen it right. Nothing wrong with a soft heart letting people know your soul. First time I held Bobby, I knew pa was wrong. Saw my heart's love pouring out of my eyes and falling onto my son's face. Nothing in my life as beautiful as that sight.  
  
Reason I go into this is because mamma always told me my eyes told her all. She read them every day I walked through that front door. Knew immediately when pa had railed on me hard. Never forget one late afternoon in particular. I was out mending fence and fell asleep under an old tree. Pa came up on me. Beat me from here to hell and back again. Beating I could of stood, but things he said to me while he done it. I was on the ground covering my face while he was kicking me. Told me to get up and take it like a man. Said I was no son a his. Said I was just a blubbering coward. Said I was a pansy boy. He didn't quit kicking and cussing until he was so tuckered out he couldn't kick no more. It was long after dusk when I made my way back to the house. Tried to wait until I knew pa had retired for the night.   
  
Mamma was up waiting. She tried fixing what pa done. But didn't work. I heard it said once, and I know it's true, leastwise it was for me: You can tell a person four good things and one bad and alls they remember is that one bad. My whole childhood was like that, no amount of good things mamma said or done no matter how hard she tried took away pa's bad.   
  
That's why I stayed far away from Lightning Flat all them years. Being afraid of a place might seem silly to some, but I suppose them people who have phobias might comprehend. Reckon they'd know that chest-tightening, heart-pounding, sweat-dripping fear I felt just thinking on that place. I avoided coming to see mamma all them years because I couldn't face that fear down.   
  
Now mamma and I was alone in the house I hated, and it seemed all them ghosts I worried over all them years were faint apparitions. Sure, I got spooked when I first come up them steps-- that chair rocking on the porch gave me a start, but I didn't run the other way.   
  
We sat in the kitchen. Mamma done what always managed to cheer me some, fed me. Thick slice of homemade double chocolate cake with a big glass of ice cold milk on the side. Mamma set herself down in the chair next to mine, hands humble in her lap, waiting for me to talk. I shoveled three big bites of cake in my mouth and washed them down with the milk. I used the back of my sleeve to wipe off my mouth, and mamma harrumphed at me just like when I was a kid for soiling my shirt. Knew she was getting impatient 'cause she began ironing out the creases in her paisley print dress with her hands. She always done that too when she was waiting on me to talk, then after them same hands would wipe my tears after, I told her. I could tell she ached for me to unload my troubles. Instead of saying what was in my heart, I asked about pa.  
  
"No sugar-coatin' it," she said flatly, filling time with her hands by pouring me some more milk. "Yer pa is doin' mighty poorly. Machine is breathin' fer him 'cause his brain wouldn't tell him ta do it no more."  
  
The fork clanked hollow against my front tooth. Frosting stuck on my top lip. I dropped the fork to the porcelain plate and looked into my mamma's pale eyes. "Why didn't ya tell me he was this bad? I would of found a way ta come sooner."  
  
"Nothing you could a done," she said, hand clutching the apron tie around her neck.   
  
"Could'a been here fer you," I said, noticing the age spots on her hands. "Who's been drivin' ya?"  
  
"Yer Uncle Harold. He's been a godsend. He's been up from Abilene these past days."  
  
Always liked my uncle.   
  
"Nothing you or anybody could a done fer me or your pa. Almost let him go without ya here but thought ya might need ta see him one last time."  
  
"When I talked to ya couple days ago, thought it just happened."  
  
"I knew you'd be frettin'. Why I didn't say. Didn't want you rushin' here. Happened a week ago, Saturday. He was out in the barn, didn't come in fer lunch. I went out and found him. Don't know how long he was a-lying there."  
  
I said I was sorry. I kept the rest to myself for mamma. I reckon she understood by looking in my eyes anyhow. I got out of my chair and knelt next to her chair. She turned, wrapping her thin arms around me. I warmed my own arms around her small frame, tucking her close to me like she always done me. She was thinner now, light and brittle like pages in an old book.   
  
"Love ya, mamma," I choked out.  
  
"I love ya too, Jacky. Your pa did too in his way. Hope ya know that."   
  
I didn't. Never did.   
  
Held each other like we always done. Nothing more comforting. Held her, as much for me as for her.   
  
She stretched up and kissed my forehead. "Should be going to the hospital," she said into my hair. Felt my insides freeze. Mamma knew, but didn't let on none. Knew my reaction was something I couldn't help.   
  
"I'll git my hat," I said.   
  
\---------------------------------  
  
The room was cold. Or maybe it was me. I touched the stiff hospital sheet and stared down at the man who oozed misery into my soul from the moment I could walk. The respirator mechanically clicked on and off like the Grim Reaper's time clock. The tube in his nose gave life to the slatted eyelids, but they were like a listless, overcast sky. His forearms, once thick and formidable, were now wasted with age. The IV fed him in the arm nearest me, the needle taped on, crisscrossing over thin bruised skin. Mamma stood on the other side of the bed. She took his free hand from under the sheet and worried his knuckles in slow circles with her thumb. I stepped around and pulled up the green vinyl hospital chair out of the corner around to mamma.   
  
"Bless you, son," she said, setting on the edge of the chair. "Yer pa's been like this since he come here."   
  
I watched the top of her gray head, was easier than watching pa.  
  
"Can he hear?" I asked.  
  
"Don't rightly think so. Doctor said his brain's dead. Doctors had yer pa on this new-fangled instrument that looked at his brain."  
  
I nodded to her. I recalled one of my buddies telling me about machine such as that.  
  
"What'd come of it?" I asked.  
  
"Found out what they suspected. What made pa yer pa ain't there no more. Said he had no 'brainstem reflexes.' Nothing. If he hears, it's from somewheres else. That man on the bed don't understand."  
  
I rested my hand on mamma's shoulder, giving it a squeeze.  
  
"Don't hurt talkin' to him though," she said. "I do it sometimes. Strange thing the human brain. Still a heap they don't understand, but one thing fer sure, yer pa won't wanna live like this."  
  
I nodded. Broke my heart hearing mamma's voice.  
  
Mamma called my uncle and Reverend Thomas. We waited for them. I talked to the doctor, last name of Windsor, while we waited. Said the same as mamma-- only thing keeping pa alive was that machine. Uncle Harold got here, the good reverend not long after. Dr. Windsor and a couple of nice nurses came in. I held pa's hand. Least I could do for mamma.  
  
The respirator was turned off at 2:12 p.m. We bowed our heads, and Reverend Thomas prayed silently with us for a few moments, then had us all hold hands and recite Psalm 23. I remember looking at the clock saying "the Lord is my shepherd." Pa left us when we reached "the valley of the shadow of death."  
  
\-------------  
  
I called him from the lobby not more than 20 minutes after my pa died. Pulled that wrinkled receipt out of my wallet and dialed. Didn't expect for him to be home, was surprised when he answered, "Hello?" I didn't speak. Hearing his gruff voice made me lose my nerve. I reckon it was thinking on that voice nights since then that done it. Ennis said, "Hello," again. My mouth opened, but nothing come out. He waited. I waited. Dead air. Then he said, "Alright, Jack Fucking Twist, I'm a-givin' ya two more seconds ta speak, or I'm hangin' up."  
  
"Ennis?" I managed.  
  
"Know'd I was right. Wondered when you'd call."  
  
"That sure of yerself, were ya?"  
  
"Ya called, didn't ya?"  
  
"Guess ya got me there."  
  
"Why ya callin'?" he asked. Like he didn't know.  
  
"Wonderin'. Thought I'd stop and see ya on my way back through. Meet ya at the Brokeback fer a drink."  
  
"If'n that's what yer a-callin' it, I expect so."  
  
"The bar's ok?" I asked.  
  
"Way I sees it, the drunker ya are, the better my chances."  
  
Didn't know what ta say ta that one, so I told him as much.  
  
"Don't know why I'm bein' so forward," Ennis admitted in that quiet way of his. "Something about ya got me good, minute I seen ya."  
  
"Nothing ever took a-hold a me this way either. What you expect it is?" I asked.  
  
Was like the phone went dead after that question. Guess we both knew the answer, were just either too damn scared to admit it or too damn stubborn. Least neither of us said weren't queer this time.  
  
Said curt goodbyes after arranging our meeting time. Saw mamma out of the corner of my eye, waiting in the lobby with Uncle Harold.  
  
Walked up to them, taking my time.  
  
"Called Lureen?" mamma asked. Felt myself blush. Looked down at the floor and nodded. What was I gonna say? "Guess what, mamma, I found the love of my life in a smoke-filled barroom the other night. We got sloppy drunk, fell into bed and now that's alls I can think of..."   
  
"They comin' down fer the funeral?" she asked. "Like ta see my grandson."  
  
Now I was in a heap a trouble. How could I forget something like the funeral? Guess I had it bad. Or just wanted to forget.  
  
"Don't know," I lied. "Lureen will have ta see." I knew I'd have to call her for real and ask her to come down with Bobby. Didn't see no other way. Couldn't say, "Ferget mamma 'n Lureen 'n Bobby-- I got needs."   
  
"Yes, it shore would be nice ta see my grandson."  
  
I looked into mamma's eyes. Know she saw it there. She could always tell I was lying.  
  
Well that done it. Had to call and have Lureen come up with Bobby now. Couldn't admit the truth to mamma, "By the way, this love of my life-- name's Ennis."


	6. Fuck-up Number Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

Waited to call Lureen until after making the arrangements. Soon as I found out the funeral was Thursday at the Reformation Baptist Church, I called Lureen. She was in some kind of a snit. For a change her attitude didn't get under my skin-- didn't make me feel like such a lowly sidewinder for what I done. Then she went and got all, "I'm so sorry for bitin' yer head off," and I started feeling all guilty again.

"Babe," she said, "ain't goin' well here without you to make nice talk with the accounts. No way I can get away too."  She went on, explaining that having us both gone would be too much of a drain on the business. Can't say as I was surprised none that Lureen put business before family. Business always come first with her. She took charge in the back seat day we met, even our honeymoon was about business. Consisted of me staring at the back a LD's head at some John Deere convention with Lureen making and taking phone calls at all hours. At least we didn't have adjoining rooms at the Howard Johnson's. I put my foot down on that one. Pulled the phone cord outta the wall too.

So I weren't surprised she didn't come. Part of me was glad. 

Not many showed at the funeral. Some relatives came, Uncle Harold, of course. Mostly people there I never knew existed. I sat in the front pew, chewing the inside of my cheek and leg jumping like a hop frog. Looked up at the rafters and prayed that the church ceiling wouldn't collapse on top a me 'cause them images of Ennis doing me hard and fast wouldn't leave me alone-- not even under God's roof. I'd heard Reverend Thomas' singing "Through the light of the shadow I must go." While I sang along, hat covered traitorous parts of me. Then there was the sermon. Stood up, sat down, stood up, sat down. Hollered "Praised the Lord!" and "Amen!" so many times almost lost my voice. Mama was crying next to me at the end. Hugged her and put my hand on her knee. 

Still didn't kill that need. 

As I helped carry pa out with Uncle Harold and the other pallbearers, it hit me hard-- all pa done, and all he'd never do again.

I began to cry then. Seemed to me I should a been feeling relief and alls I felt was more pain than I ever felt before. My pa would never run me down again. Never again call me a good for nothing. Never again call me lazy. Never again raise a hand to me. Why, I should feel like skipping through a field a daisies, instead I sobbed like a baby. 

Got myself together at the graveside. I held ma's elbow and recited the Lord's Prayer.

At the wake, Uncle Harold sat next to me. Slapped my leg sore as he told me about the good ol' days-- how he and my pa swiped hot apple pies off of old lady Gracie's windowsill. Told me about he and my pa traveled around state to state, riding bulls, drinking, playing cards, picking fights. Looked hard in that man's eyes, wondering who was this man my uncle was lording about, and how come I never knowed this man? 

Got so I felt bitter. Bitter ain't no way to be at your pa's funeral. But listening to Uncle Harold made me hurt. How come this man never showed me a smile or a laugh? Made me wonder what happened to him that turned him to stone. He had bitter in his blood. Knew if I didn't watch it my blood would turn the same bitter. Right then I knew I had to wash that bitter out or I'd end up like pa, hating the world. From that moment, I turned my bitter into pity for him. So I worked on that emotion as I listened to my uncle. As I listened, I grew powerfully sorrowful. Ached inside, knowing he never got to hear his only son say he loved him or hear them same words from his only grandson. I reckoned that old man left the world hating his old self worse than I ever could.

I looked across the room at my ma. I'd been worrying on her too. I used to think that life would be so fine with pa gone. I never stopped to think what life would really be like without him, 'specially for her. She was sitting in the creaky high-back rocker. She smiled. I looked over to see the object of the light on her lips, and it was Reverend Thomas, handing her punch and a plate filled with roast chicken, salad and that green gelatin desert with them little marshmallows. 

Reverend smiled back, easy-like, eyes twinkling like lights on a Christmas tree. That was when I realized the reverend had an interest in my ma other than her being just one other sheep in the congregation. Didn't know what to make of that. He was a good man, for sure-- still, my pa wasn't cold in the grave. Ma didn't seem to pay no mind, ate her green gelatin, nodding at the reverend. Even saw her laugh. Weren't enough laughter in the world, and it sure weren't my place to deny anyone the right to be happy.

A nice silver-haired lady, took my plate, her hand lighting on my back for comfort, mistaking melancholy for grief. I thanked her, and she said, "You were always such a good boy."

Don't think she would a been saying that if she knowed who was in my mind.

That night the house was near death. Like it was hemorrhaging all its pain from all them years. Walls echoed. Floors groaned. Porch called out. Ma, she was up and down all night. Don't think she slept one wink. Know I didn't.

That next morning of the day I was to be leaving, I knew I couldn't. Part of me chilled in place like the old house all stone-cold at night-- my bones like the timbers, afraid to move. Part of the reason was ma. Didn't want to leave her. Other part was the fear. What it meant to go to Ennis.

So's late that afternoon, I run into town for ma, picked up some sleeping medicine the doc prescribed. I called. Was surprised I got him.

Told him I was sorry but I wouldn't be coming. But Ennis, he wouldn't let it go at that. Said, "Call me in a few days. Say Sunday afternoon. See how you're feelin' about all this then."

I called Lureen after. She wanted me back right away. I told her my mama needed me. For LD hating me, he sure counted on me to be there to sell them tractors. 

Spent the next days talking to ma and thinking. Life ate at me. Sunday come, and I'd done me a host of thinking. Seemed to me that happiness was hard to come by in this old life. People who don't take happiness when they get it end up like my pa. I wonder what the happiness he throwed away was. Why a person's a fool to throw away laughter. I'd been a fool for too long. 

I went into town and made that call. Arranged to meet Ennis. Different place, different time.

There were a lot of lies I'd been telling myself for too many years. Lies I'd come to believe. Maybe I could have gone on believing them lies if I hadn't a met one Ennis Del Mar, but I reckoned it would of knocked me up the side of my head some day. I'd thought seriously about not making our meeting time. Just go back to Childress and play the good husband. Looking out at my ma's smile made me change my mind.  

Denied what I was. Couldn't no more.

\---------------

We sat at the table for dinner the next night, ma and me. I was leaving in the morning, and I was feeling mighty low leaving her all alone. Tried to get her to come back to Childress with me, but she wouldn't have no part of it.

"Don't worry none," she said, pouring me more coffee. "I'll be fine. Got that nice farm hand Michael to help out."

I looked in ma's eyes, seeing too many years of hard work and pain. Michael had a strong back, but ma still liked to work herself to death.

"That's just it, ma," I said. "I don't want you working too hard. Hell, I don't like you working at all. Comes a time when you need rest. You been through plenty these last days."

"Son, those who rest retire early to the grave. I plan on being alive and kicking Old Scratch's behind for many a year."

I laughed. Been too long since I heard that feisty spark in her voice. Thought maybe pa had taken it out of her years ago. I smiled to think that the old geezer hadn't got the best of either of them.  

"I want you to come visit me soon. Come meet your grandson."

"I'd love that." She patted my hand just as a knock came to the door. I stood up to get it, but ma shooed me off like a fly.

Heard a voice that sounded familiar in the other room, coming nearer. In walked Reverend Thomas. 

Shook my hand solid. 

I nodded. He knew I was sizing him up. Smiled big right in my face. A kind smile. 

I liked him.

Was easy leaving the next morning on that hot day in July, knowing ma had somebody watching out for her. I kissed her goodbye, and she waved at me from the porch. I remember how small she looked in my rearview mirror driving away.

\----------------------

Got to Riverton. Had a time finding that meeting place. Seemed Ennis liked games-- "Rendezvous where big and little rivers meet," he'd said. Drove around Riverton, some kind of festival was going on. Big banners with "Mountain Man Rendezvous" stretching in red block lettering across the main street. Stopped and got gas after doing circles around town for thirty minutes solid. Attendant dressed like he was ready for some fancy- ass rodeo. Shiny boots, crisp shirt. Blond hair shining under that black hat. Asked the attendant where the tarnation was this place I was supposed to meet Ennis. Attendant stood straighter, fiddled with his I'm-so-cool shades and then peeked over the top of them glasses into my truck like he was the Electric Horseman or something. Looked clean through my cab and out the other window. Ignoring me. Shit, like I weren't there. _Goddamned Robert Redford look- alike. Kick your ass._

Took his time to answer. I was contemplating stiffing his fancy-ass self of the gas he pumped, when he finally answered, "That's where two rivers meet. Big 'n Little Wind Rivers."  After he said it, he pointed, finger just under my nose. I turned my head and seen a river. 

"Could a bit ya," he mumbled. I began wondering if mumbling was the natural way of speaking in Riverton.

I snorted, taking offense-- not to his mumbling, but to his smart- ass mouth. "There's one hell of a lot of rivers 'n creeks that meet in this town," I said, defensively.

Man looked directly at me like I was some simpleton and said, "Whys they call it Riverton." Then he spat next to my truck. "This here road takes ya there-- whys they call it Rendezvous Road."

_Course that's why-- I knowed that. Man's some kind of comedian, too--  yep, Robert Redford look- alike be good on the Flip Wilson Show._

I handed him the five for my gas. 

"Here for the festival?" he asked.

 _Like you give a shit._ I nodded. Took off. Left him standing there with my five bucks in his hand.

Was three hours late when I got to the motel. This time it wasn't the Siesta. Hell, name was  the Rendezvous Motel. _Shit. Everything's about Rendezvous._

Was just putting my sack down thinking and itching for my own personal rendezvous. Sat hard on the bed when knock, knock, knock. Liked a jumped outta my skin. Knew who it had to be. 

Opened it, and there he stood. Better then I recalled him looking. Jeans riding low on one side. Shirt unbuttoned just enough to catch fine chest hairs. And them eyes-- could melt the chilliest of hearts.

"Saw ya pull in."

He stepped inside. Smiled.

"Late."

I closed the door. Smiled back.

"Know that."

He grabbed my shirt. Licked his bottom lip.

"Couldn't find it."

I stumbled back. Bit my own lip.

"Town ain't that big."

Button popped. Lip bled. Button bounced across the floor. Once, twice, rolled.

"Big enough."

I hit the bed. Bounced atop the bed. Once, twice, rolled.

"Use a map," he said. 

He followed, rolled with me. Ended up him on top again. Licked the blood off a my lip.

"Ain't labeled on my map."

Ennis scooped the back of my head, pressed forehead to forehead. 

"Don't need no labels--" he said, "just ask."

Then he nipped at my neck, sucking on that spot that made lightning bugs spark behind my eyes.

"I did," I answered.

He sat up and looked down into my eyes. I groaned.

"Thought maybe ya changed yer mind."

I grabbed his belt loops and yanked him back on top of me. Ran my hand over that fine ass trapped in denim. Took his callused hand and pressed the palm into my cock.

"Does this feel like I changed my mind, friend?"

Was time for him to groan. I took two fists of that soft brown hair a his and pulled that mouth to mine. Felt Ennis' toes curl when my tongue met his. 

" _Damn_ ," his voice slurred. 

Went riding full outta the gate after that. We both stripped down, jeans flying high and over the bed. Was like a bull seeing red, both of us naked on top of the quilt, grinding like teenagers. Flipped me over. This time he brought something to ease his way in. Still, the frenzied way we was going at it, was like nothing I ever had in my life. Was like the one part of me that was missing all this time was finally here. Loved the way he looked-- hair was mussed all which ways, cheeks hot and red. I never knowed heat like this-- heart pounding outta control, lungs puffing hard-- felt myself coming from the bottom of my soul. Would of screamed if Ennis hadn't caught it tumbling outta my throat by cupping that fine hand of his over my lips. 

Both went to sleep. When I woke, Ennis was looking at me. He touched me tender-- this time he didn't turn me over. Fucked me searching my face, meeting my eyes. Thought I knew what making love was, guess I never did. Not until Ennis Del Mar. 


	7. Fuck-up Number Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

Spent the next two days in that motel-- never lived so much in two days. Nothing mattered, only him, only Ennis. Everything else didn't seem important-- family, friends, job. I wanted to quit the world and make our own, and since I couldn't, this old motel room was it for us. Thought of having that kind of life, you know, that kind of life like in them fairy tales my mamma read to me-- where everything is happy ever after, the sweet life, living life to the fullest. Way I felt in his arms was that kind of happy-- so happy his name only thing on my lips when I wake up, excepting maybe his cock.

Drove into this motel knowing things don't ever turn out the way I want. Them fingers of his just made me want things. I'm always wanting. My mamma said I was born wantin' more-- one more piece of pot roast, one more slice of cherry cake, one more glass of milk. One more. Always. But this thing between us was a different kind of want-- wasn't just one more for me. I knew it had a name-- but was afraid to speak it. I was afraid if I named it, Ennis would run so far and fast I'd never see him again. Trouble was, afraid if I didn't speak it, I'd never know.

I was plumb afraid. Part of me feared what we got wasn't the same for Ennis. I'd watch him like I was one them angst-ridden damsels in them dammed Harlequin Romance novels Lureen was so fond of reading. _Does he love me? Does he care?_ I know people tend to see their own reflection in other people, thinking their own feeling and thinking everybody else feels the same way they do, that's why there's so many broken hearts in the world. Also why that man--- what's his name?-- said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Assuming too much, that's most people's problem. I was hoping with all my being that I wasn't assuming too much. That grown-up part of me, that man who lived on the sales floor, he knew better. The little boy in me, that boy who dreamed looking out at that big sky at night, he still wished upon a star. 

P.T. Barnum. Yeah, that's the man who said that. Now there was a salesman. Me? I learned a lot being a salesman over these last years. First lesson I learned was good a salesman makes people want what they didn't even know they needed. I was good. Made people want them extras-- like them hi-fi radios in them combines. With Ennis, it was different-- that was the trouble. Couldn't be a salesman with him. Nothing to sell. He already owned me and knew it that first night. Was like he was the one owned me. 

Owned me. Yeah, I was his, for sure. Reckoned I didn't want it any other way. Stayed right next to him them two days. Lived on BetterMost beans, Camels, Jack Daniels and Ennis Del Mar. 

I knew I had to get home to Childress but didn't want to go. Felt like I'd be leaving a piece of me behind, a piece of me who walked slow, talked slower. Fine man with arms like iron and heart like gold. Man who made me swoon like some love-sick teenager whenever he'd curl them lips. All them years with Lureen never made my heart ache like he done. She never made me sweat just thinking on her. No one ever done that to me-- only Ennis. Loved watching through hooded lids as he fucked me senseless, loved watching his face then.  His face got soft and hard at the same time like I was sin and salvation. Loved feeling him pound into me crying out, not caring who might hear. Only time I ever seen Ennis let go, really let go, was them times. Them times made me believe he cared as deep and as hard as I did. 

Never looked on his hair before. Never noticed things like that too much about people. First thought his was brown, now I seen him clear. Through those days, I'd wind my fingers through them curls, that silken dirty blond hair and dig my nails into them freckles on his back.  Memorize him so's I'd never forget. He'd swear and spend himself inside me. Finally, my ass was so sore I didn't think I could do it again, but I did-- I let him. I let him over and over until I bit the sheet, whimpering.  

That last day we spent time talking between screwings. That was rich, hearing his lazy voice spill out like chocolate. I asked lots of questions just so's I could hear that chocolate voice a his. Made small talk that weren't really that small. Asked him, "How yer girls?"

He said, "Fine." He said, "I'm pickin' em up next weekend. Promised em I'd take em fer ice cream and ta ride ponies." 

I asked him, "What kind ice cream they like?"

"Junior likes strawberry. Jenny black cherry-- Jenny wears more of it than she eats though." 

I said I liked chocolate. I decided from that day on chocolate would be my favorite 'cause chocolate reminded me of Ennis-- eyes like chocolate and of course voice like it too. Ennis pulled out his wallet, flipped it open, and I seen two girls standing with Sunday dresses in front of a sparkling Christmas tree, both wore their old man's smile-- not real wide but shiny like the star on the tree top. Both had this spirit beneath their skin like their old man. Could see the same sweetness inside too. 

"Fine looking girls. That at yer place?"

"No, that their ma's and step-daddy's." He frowned after, like it's not something he wanted to talk about, but I'm Jack Twist and I got to know it all so I ask.

"Get along with their step-daddy?"

"He's a good man," Ennis said. "Just that he's got my girls now. That's their home, my place just like a place ta pitch the tent once in a while. Hard to abide that."

I nodded my head. Knew that feeling. I never was at home in my own house with Lureen. Was like it was some other man's home-- more LD's than mine for sure.

I showed Ennis a picture of Bobby. 

"This here's taken at school. He's starting to grow into them long legs a his."

"Boy image of his daddy. Got his eyes," he said. 

I put my arm in back of my head. Looked at Ennis. Really looked.

Asked him, "Where you takin' yer girls ta ride ponies?"

"Place where I work."

I said, "I've told you a heap about my job, what about yours? What you done in your life, Ennis?"

"Done a lot, ranching mostly. Cattle, sheep, horses. Always loved the horses. Man I worked with years ago saw that in me-- now I work for him, training horses."

"Don't say? Heck, sounds like a fine occupation, friend."

Ennis laughed, rolling over. "Horses are fine; it's people hard ta deal with."

"So's yer on a ranch? How many cow ponies you break say in a year?"

"Don't break no horses, I train em. And they ain't no cowponies, they's thoroughbreds."

"Ain't you a fancy pants," I said, laughing. Never did find out how many.

He didn't like me sassing none-- slapped my ass good. Made me hot and hard. 

"Do that again," I said. 

He looked down, I looked up. Both our eyes had that ache. Next thing I know he's whupping my ass beet red, and I'm rock hard, leaking on the sheets. I'm begging, "Fuck me, fuck me, Ennis," and he did-- he fucked me so good and hard that I thought we was both gonna bang the headboard through the wall. That would a been some sight for them in the next room. Imagine. And that poor maid. Came knocking at the door, calling, wondering if we were alright. Poor woman, wonder what she thought when she stripped the sheets off the bed with all that blood and sex on them. 

Next morning I knew I had to leave, I woke up in his arms-- was like some force came over us. Held each other so tight we left bruises. I kissed his lips until mine were raw and swollen. Never forget, packing my bags with Ennis sitting on the bed, head down. The part a me that thought that this might all be one-sided saw different then. Seeing the top of his head, looking like the world just shit down his neck, made me realize maybe my heart wasn't the only one breaking.

He stood up, took hold a me and squeezed me so hard my back popped. Let his whiskers burn my neck. 

"What we gonna do?" I asked him. "Maybe," I began, "maybe we could get us a place? Have a sweet life."

Ennis quiet. I just do what a good salesman do, let time tick-- make him think on what it'd be like. Finally, Ennis let go his grip on me, looked in my face and said, "No place in a world for men like us, you oughta know that, Jack."

"Can't do this," I said. "Can't walk away. How we gonna stand it?"

"Gotta stand it," he said. "No reins on this one."

Put my bags in my truck and got in. 

That's when I fucked up, rolled down the window, looked him in the eye and said them words. Drove off fast so's I wouldn't have to see. So's I wouldn't have to hear. 

Couldn't bear the answer, either way.


	8. Fuck-up Number Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

I came home a stranger. I went through my days like some zombie in one of them drive-in B movies Lureen used to love dragging me to on Friday nights. My world was no longer my world-- it was some place I didn't belong no more. Lureen still kissed me goodnight; I still took Bobby to school. Nights I'd look at cobwebs on the ceiling; days I'd count fly specks on the window. Never felt so lonely. There was so many days I sat in the office, hand inching over to that phone ready to call and say, "Hey, friend, how are you?" just so I could hear his voice. I didn't do it. Couldn't. I was afraid-- I reckoned driving off was one more drop in the bucket of them lost chances in my life. 

Me? I couldn't leave well enough alone-- had to add to that bucket-- I poured more alcohol down my throat than I should. Got so Bobby couldn't stand to be around me. After a time felt so damn small like I was the incredible shrinking man-- people running around me like I wasn't there. Some days I reckoned that no one would even miss me if  I shrank down to nothing. 

Were days that I gave a shit what other people thought of me. Them days I'd try to figure what I could do to get out of my situation. Decided that maybe it was just an itch that needed scratching. Only place I knew to relieve that prickling was to take a drive across the border-- tried it there with other men, but them nameless faces in Mexico weren't the same. 

Itch still prickled, no better, no worse. Nothing chased away the demon that was Ennis Del Mar out of my heart. 

Days got shorter, nights longer, and I dreamed of running away from my family, being with Ennis. But that was just dreams.

Then one Monday we was at the table, Lureen was stirring her coffee, and I was chasing mine with two aspirin. I remember that moment well: The bitter taste in the back of my throat, the way her eyes grew wide and blinked. In them moments, fear replaced apathy. Was like she knew. I was wrong though. Instead she prescribed a different kind of truth for Jack Twist. 

"Sweetheart," she said, "since yer pa died, ya ain't been the same. I kept thinkin' you'd snap out of it. You're drinkin' too much, sleepin' all the time and ass-draggin' around like the spirit's been sucked right outta you-- thought if I gave ya time and space you'd come around-- be yerself again. I've waited, Jack. You ain't better-- in fact, you're worse. I've been talkin' to a friend a mine, and she told me her uncle had some problems like yours some time back. Went ta see this man who helped him get better-- I want ya ta go see that man, Jack." 

She pushed his card across the table. I stared down at it.

I didn't argue. But I didn't say yes or no-- just let the card sit on the table. She got up to leave for work and before she left she said, "Call him, Jack."  As the door shut behind her, I picked up the card and flipped it between my fingers. Reckoned it didn't matter either way. Didn't care as long as she didn't know the truth about me. Can't say as I blame her for making me go. I knew I needed help-- knew it wasn't the same kind of help that Lureen thought I needed, but some help was better than no help. Was hard picking up that phone to make that call though. Was like admitting there was something wrong with my head. Later that day I made my first appointment with that psychiatrist.

I was used to going to a doctor and them giving you a pill to make it better. This doctor didn't give me no pills. Man was into talking. I went alone on Thursdays to see Dr. Malone. I talked plenty about everything except for what was really wrong. I talked about growing up and talked about my family now and how LD treated me like a horse's ass. I talked about my ma and how I worried over her. Bringing up my childhood was mighty sad. Talked about Lureen and Bobby. Told him that Lureen thought my problems had a lot to do with my pa and how his death brought all that childhood pain back to me. Can't rightly say that his death wasn't a part of my problem and talking about it to Dr. Malone did make me feel a world better. 

But that wasn't my real problem, and Dr. Malone knew it.

That doctor knew what he was doing. Was like he saw into me from that very first day. Kept asking little questions, digging and digging, like he knew my secret. The day I finally told him about Ennis was the same day that Ennis came back into my life.

\-----------------------------

I'd poured myself a coffee, adding the usual three spoonfuls of  sugar and twice as much Coffee-Mate in it when the phone rang. I had an appointment with Dr. Malone that morning and was running later than usual so I was rushing to down the coffee and dumped a goodly portion on my shirt. I cussed at my bad luck as I picked up the receiver-- _Shit,_ I thought, _this is gonna cost me-- phone call 'n now I'll have to go change, too._ Instead of a hello, I heard laughing. No doubt whose laugh that was-- heard that deep rumble every night in my head. 

"Ennis?" I croaked. Phone almost slipped out of my hand; the coffee mug did-- clattering loud on the Formica.

"Hey, Jack."

My heart hammered, my legs gave out. I stumbled into the chair Lureen kept by the wall phone.  

"Jack? Ya there?"

"I'm here, friend," I choked out.

"Glad ya called me that, Bud. I hoped I didn't drive all this way for nothing."

"Drive all this way?" I asked, staring dumbly out the sliding glass door. "Where are you?"

"In Childress. Couldn't stand it no more-- had ta see ya."

I recalled his last words to me-- how we had to stand it. All sorts of crazy thoughts went through my head. I licked my lips and asked, "Where you at?" 

"Holiday Inn just off of 62 on Avenue F. Room 112."

"I got an appointment first," I said.

"You bet."

I hung up the phone. 

Now I was really late fer my therapy session. No time to change my shirt-- I threw on the ugly blue polyester blazer Lureen bought me-- more fer looks than comfort. It was a cold morning for Texas, had to scrape the frost off my windshield with the back of my arm. Heater hadn't worked since the day I bought that damn truck. My teeth chattered all the way there. Don't even know how I managed to drive to the psychiatrist's office. Found myself in the waiting room, nodding at Miss Calhoun, the receptionist. Next thing I knew I was on the proverbial couch spilling my ever-loving guts out to Dr. Malone. Told him all about Ennis. Whole story. Only had a few minutes left when I got to the part where Ennis was a-waiting for me at the Holiday Inn. The doctor didn't offer no help or advice like I expected him to. Instead, he told me it was up to me to decide "to go or not to go, that is the question"-- like I was the prince of Denmark or something. Probably reckoned I was going to do what I wanted anyhow. As I was standing up to leave, he told me, "I want you to call me later. Let me know how you're feeling."

The drive to the Holiday Inn weren't no holiday-- was like that purgatory place that Lureen told me about. To say I was scared shitless was an understatement. Walking up to the door was between heaven and hell-- I was sweating and shaking with both anticipation and dread. 

I didn't even get a chance to knock; the door opened wide, and he pulled me through by the coffee stain on my shirt, door slamming behind me and me slamming hard into the door. Never tasted a kiss so desperate-- mouth swallowing mine like I was the last drink he'd ever get. I returned that kiss just as desperate, mouth hard on his, body reckless-- then I took hold of him, knocked the wall so hard the painting fell to the floor. Coming up for breath didn't seem an option: He'd grabbed ahold of me so tight I couldn't a pulled free even if I wanted. Was a good ten minutes before we pulled apart and when we did, words were fast coming. 

"Missed this," I said.

"Yep." Then he rolled his hips into mine. "Feels nice."

"Better 'n nice," I moaned. "Almost called ya."

"What stopped ya?"

"Waitin' fer you."

His body got all quiet then, eyes looking into mine got glassy. Could see his throat working. "Before ya drove away," he acknowledged, voice low, "what ya said got ta me-- I been thinkin' of nothin' else since."

"Been thinkin' of nothin' else too," I said. 

"Yer right, it was up ta me after to call ya. Took my sorry ass long enough ta git here. I'm hopin' that this here reception I just got from ya means I'm not too late."

I just shook my head like an idiot. _Fuck,_ I thought, _is he sayin' what I think he's sayin'?_ I held his face in my hands, tracing his lips with my thumbs. "No, not too late," I said. Knew I was breathing hard. Felt like I'd been running a race. Maybe I had. "Moment I saw you, I knew I wanted ya," I admitted.

"Packed my bags weeks ago," he said. "Knew comin' here would upset yer life, but not comin'-- couldn't let ya alone. I just wanted ta make sure I heard them last words ya said to me-- I'd like fer you ta say it again so's I know I heard ya right-- ya know, ta be sure--"

I swallowed. Knew this was it. I had to face the results this time. Then I told him, not to his back, not walking away. I looked into them endless eyes and said, "I love ya, Ennis." I nodded and waited, afraid to hear what he'd say. 

The smile that lit his face was magic. My blood pressure must've gone through the roof. Them few seconds waiting for him to speak was the longest seconds ever passed on planet Earth. Felt like I was reborn hearing his words echo back, "I love ya, Jack."

We was both mighty quiet after-- both staring into each other's souls as deep as a body had ever seen, I reckon. I broke the silence. "What now?" I asked.

"Fer now I'd like ta fuck you through that mattress. How's that sound?"

"Sounds good ta me."

Say one thing for Ennis, he did come prepared. Had everything ready. Had a bottle of Jack Daniels on the night stand and right next to that was a tube of K-Y jelly. Must of had my comfort on his mind.

We tumbled over to the bed, laughing like kids. Got me pinned down on the mattress, liked him manhandling me. My shrink would probably have something to say about that. I smiled into his face and saw him gazing on me, eyebrow pinched, mouth tight. 

Serious Ennis. 

"Ya alright?" I asked.

"Got some time ta talk after, Bud? I been thinkin' on this-- need ta talk after is all."

"I got time," I said. Then he fucked me so long and so hard that no amount of Jack Daniels would make me forget Ennis Del Mar was there.


	9. Fuck-up Number Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

My heart thumped harder than the drop and kick of hooves at a roughstock event. Pounded clean through my chest worrying what Ennis was gonna say to me. Both of us were quiet. Was early morning. Never had that talk yesterday. Instead made love all night on the old motel bed. Waking up to him was like sunshine. Back of his head rested tight on my shoulder. Hairs tickled as he moved over searching for the pack of smokes we'd thrown aside last night. He found the pack under the sheet and handed it to me. 

My hands shook as I tapped the pack of Marlboros. Pulled one out between my nervous lips thinking heavy on the conversation we was gonna have. Ennis' fingers trembled as he lit the match. Was almost a comfort to see I wasn't alone. _Almost._   That tremor in his fingers as I got the tip all red-hot got me worried some. I inhaled deep then passed it to him. Tobacco didn't stifle my anxiety. Ennis moved onto his side, looking me square in the face. Wondered if this was the final short-go. But I reckoned not. Wouldn't come this far on a go-around just to tell me he loved me then leave. 

Could of picked a better place. The motel was seedy. Curtains yellowed, wallpaper a sad, peeling mess. Sheets were clean, but the quilt was old and faded from orange to mud. Empty bottle of Jack Daniels sat on its side on a nightstand that was marred and covered with water rings and cigarette burns. 

Sulfur from the match hung in the air along with sweat and sex. A right satisfying smell. Surroundings didn't matter much when beauty was right before your eyes. Ennis Del Mar was Prince Charming. Great abs, strong thighs, curly fine hair all which-way. Doe eyes that made me want to come just looking in them. But it was them freckles I loved most. They danced all over his skin. Light and dark. Scattered across his nose and shoulders in unequal portions that made my prince truly charming. Thought about those long arms holding me and freckled shoulders bunching up as he pushed me down into the lumpy mattress. Made me lust like I'd never lusted before. How'd he do that to me? Me, Jack Twist, man women fall over. Looked up into those doe eyes again, and I saw it. He didn't want sex right now. No, wanted to talk to me. Eyes liked ta change color as they held mine. There was green in there. Was like some spell he cast. No way could I look away. Felt off-balance. Both of us waited for the other to say the first word. Was Ennis who finally spoke.

"Thought a long time about what you said." He handed me back the cigarette.

"Did ya, now?" I asked, blowing smoke rings trying to act all calm. Didn't fool Ennis for one second though. One of his eyebrows perked up as he looked at my mouth. Corner of his own mouth turned up a bit. 

"Wondered why ya said it and drove off like that."

"I wondered too." And that was true. Spent long hours at night wondering that same danged thing. 

"Ya figure it out?" he asked, taking the smoke back then blowing damn smoke rings in return. Fucking mocking me.

"Reckon so." I blew at his smoke rings. They disappeared.

"Me too."

Didn't tell him I had a shrink to help me with that part. I still was mighty confused. Wondered if he was too. Tried to put a name on this gut aching need I had for him in both my nuts and my heart. Knew love was the word for it. Wondered if he had any idea how many nights I stared at the ceiling thinking of him. Wondered if he did the same. 

"Reckoned you was scared a what I was gonna say back," he said. "Expect you were right. Ain't known each other long. You sayin that struck me like a bolt. But figured it this way: it's like lightning hittin in the same place. People say it don't happen, but lightning strikes in the same spot all the time."

"Know what ya mean," I said. Ennis looked at me, contemplating what, I wasn't sure. Maybe trees all a-flame from getting hit by a bolt of that lightning he was talking about. I sure felt like a tree all a-fire right then. Most likely he wondered why I wasn't talking. Wondered myself. Usually I have a truckload of words, but now I didn't have enough to fill a wheelbarrow. He chewed on his lip some, thinking. Instead of handing me back my smoke, he stubbed it out. Guess he'd waited long enough. Filled up the empty air with his own words. 

"Gotta tell ya, Jack. I got a new job. Start next week. Good pay. Nice thoroughbred ranch ten miles from here."

I held my breath. My leg started to twitch underneath the sheets. Was right embarrassing. 

"Some things ya know are true in your heart from the start," he said. "Not sure if it's that way for you, but this thing that got a hold of me is nothin like I ever felt." 

I nodded. Knew that was right, sure enough.

"Night we first met, when you asked ta buy me a drink, it wasn't just _your_ eyes wanderin. I saw ya. Made sure ya saw me. Then when ya asked to buy me a drink ta make up for leerin, my insides was jumpin up and down-- liked ta of come outta my own skin. Was _exactly_ what I wanted ta happen. Felt so lucky, a good-lookin guy like yourself wantin ta spend time with me."

"Don't sell yourself short, Ennis. You're one fine-lookin man."

Loved the way he blushed when I said that. Damned Prince Charming. Tough man like him, getting all sloppy-shy with me. Made my dick hard watching the red go from his cheeks to his neck.

"Somethin took hold of us both from the first moment we set eyes on each other," I admitted. "Didn't know then what made me want ta buy you a drink. Was surprised how much we told each other 'bout ourselves. Lookin back, both of us lived a whole lifetime together in that night."

Saw his eyes misting up. Knew it was true for him too. 

"When you said them words and drove off," he said, shaking his head, "I knew I was wrong. All that I said about havin ta ride this one out with no reins. Can't do it. Too hard. Took you drivin away sayin that ta realize that long as we're apart, always will have nothing ta hold on to. But don't have ta be that way, Jack. That's why I done what I did. Come here. I want you ta hold on to."

I kissed him then. Both mouths split open. Tasted him deep and long. Moved my hand and pushed my palm into his cock, rolling over it. He choked out a sob and then grasped me tight. Suddenly,  his hands were everywhere-- in my hair, down my back, on my ass. I shifted around to get a better grip on that fine dick of his. Both of us felt so desperate. Moved like we'd never have this again. Got dizzy when he moaned into my mouth and his eyes rolled back. 

I slid down the bed to take him into my mouth. His dick twitched as my lips brushed it and groans of approval came from the back of his throat. Veins popped up on his neck as I ran my tongue up and down the length of that perfect cock-- loved teasing him-- and also loved that he wasn't made like me, cut and different. Always felt like my dick was wrong somehow since it wasn't like my pa's. Knew that subject was good for one session at the shrink's, but didn't like talking about Ennis and me-- putting pa into-- well that was just wrong. Sex was private. Was like breaking a trust. So's I pushed that from my mind and focused on Ennis. _My Ennis._  

Was easy to do. Loved how the head of his dick came out of hiding 'cause of me. Proved he wanted me. He grabbed two handfuls of my hair so's he could help work my mouth up and down the length of him. My own dick was aching for him by then, but I ignored it. Instead I concentrated on pushing that dick of his as far down my throat as I could without gagging. Wanted him, wanted all of him. Ennis thrust and bucked into my mouth like a wild thing-- hitting the roof, grazing my teeth, then knocking on my tonsils. 

When Ennis knew I couldn't take no more, he pulled outta my mouth with a plop and grabbed me by my arms. Pulled me up to face him. I started to turn over, but he pushed me flat on my back, took my legs and shoved them into my chest. Loved that smug smile on his face as he done it. Oiled himself up good then rammed them fingers of his inside my ass. No nicey-nicey time like last night. Just shoved. Was like an electric switch. Turn off from pain then on from pleasure. Thumped my prostate--got me so riled I couldn't see the handsome face in front of me. Dirty words came a-flying outta my mouth, begging for that big cock of his. 

He gave it to me. Felt that hard ridge against my hole. He pushed in all the way up to the root as I babbled like I was speaking in tongues. Never felt him so deep inside me-- like he was ramming all the way to the top of my skull. More he thrust inside me, more my mouth spewed nonsense like I had the holy spirit inside. His hands squeezed my kneecaps tighter and tighter with each jab. 

Didn't take long. Felt the base of my spine tingle, balls tighten. Let go some more crazy words, three of which weren't so crazy. "I love you," I yelled. Fucking came so hard. Right after I moved my hands to cup his face. Held him there. When I moved my hand I seen the ghost-white trail traced where my fingers had been. 

Ennis thrusted inside me one more time then came. Both of us collapsed. 

"Did I hurt ya?" Ennis asked.

"Nah, I'm tough. Was good. Real good."

Ennis moved around some. "I think yer bleedin," he said, noticing the stain on the sheet. 

Felt my face grow hot-- bleeding like a damned virgin. I reached over the side of the bed and snatched my shirt and wiped the mess off my ass to ease Ennis' mind. Then I hugged Ennis to my chest, toyed with his curls by blowing on them just to make sure he was fine. He swatted at my mouth and laughed.

"Tickles," he said.

I think, _I'll show him tickles_ so I poked him in the ribs. He swung his legs around and under me, flipped me over and pinned me good-- course _I_ let him do it. 

"You gonna talk now?" he asked, lips tight to my ear. "Cat still got yer tongue, or should I stick my dick back up your ass again ta git you ta talk?"

"So, this gonna be our regular place?" I asked.

Looking back, I know I was damn stupid. I didn't get what he was meaning. Didn't have no idea. I reckoned he planned to move around here, and we'd be together like in this sleazy motel room. 

"Fer now, but was thinkin..." he said, as I moved under him. "...of us findin a place more permanent." 

I jumped. _Us?_ My head caught him right in the nose hard-- started bleeding all over creation. 

"God, Ennis! I'm sorry." 

He mumbled, "That's ok," as he sat up and pinched his nostrils between his fingers. I had him tip his head back. I jumped up, looking for something-- anything-- to stop the bleeding. Looked up, there was Ennis, sitting naked on the edge of the bed, blood running down his arm and dripping on to the floor. 

"Git my shirt, over on that chair." I grabbed it then crawled across the bed, pressed it to his nose and mopped up what I could. Sat next to him on my knees.

"Jesus, you bleed like a hemophilic virgin on her weddin night," I said. He laughed through his shirt.

"Where do you come up with that shit, Jack Twist?"

"Don't know. Comes natural."

"Like bustin noses?" Ennis asked, then looked into my face. "Sorry, didn't mean it. Just teasin."

"I'm the one who's sorry. Damn, Ennis. And you were just tellin me something about us gettin a place."

Ennis nodded, removing the shirt and looking at the mess. "Like ta make that sweet life for us happen. Always wanted a ranch of my own. Been saving for it for years. Think I could make it happen if I had a partner."

I sat next to him. My mouth wouldn't work. Watched him dab the shirt to his nose as blood trickled out. Alls I could think of was Bobby and leaving him. And Lureen. I know we didn't have much of a marriage, but I did care for her. She was still my friend. 

"I don't know." I said that. _Me._ The one who told him "I love you" then drove off like a coward. _Me._ The one who asked him for that sweet life. _Me._ I blinked. 

Ennis looked at me funny. Eyebrows coming together like someone was pulling them with a string. Mouth twitched on the left corner too. Heard doors slam in the next room. Heard a baby crying outside our door. Heard everything except my own voice saying something that would take it back.  

Ennis stood up, went the chair next to the bed and sat down. Pulled on his jeans then stood back up. 

He opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen. Scribbled some numbers and ripped off the note. "This here's where I'm stayin. When you decide what you think, you tell me."

Didn't say it mad. Just looked at me, disappointed. Set the note next to me on the bed. He started packing his stuff.

I got up. Went straight into the bathroom. Turned on the shower. Heard the door shut just before I stuck my head in the toilet to puke my guts out. 

I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand when I was done. _Damn you, Jack Twist. What you gonna do now?_


	10. Fuck-up Number Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter by elwinglyre

Liked to have cried, but I didn't. Sucked it up. Got no one to blame but my own self. No sorrier words ever come out of my mouth than _I don't know._

Knew I should of went after Ennis, but I didn't. Instead I picked the note he left me off the night table. No phone number. Was an address. _19443 B-2 Milton, Cee Vee._

Cee Vee? Damn. That address had to be Th _e_ Osage Stables-- place was home to more Kentucky Derby winners than spots on an appaloosa's ass. Ennis didn't just get him a job, he got him a future. Wondered if he realized what having me in his life might do to his career. 

Just couldn't go there. Not now. Too many questions of my own I couldn't answer, adding one more for Ennis would get me nowhere.

Help for answers is what I needed. Got out my wallet. Card was there. Dialed out on the grimy-looking phone. Miss Calhoun answered, and Dr. Malone was in. Sat on hold, chewing my nails. Finally, the doc came on-- said he'd cancel an appointment and see me in a half hour. I got my things together. Turned before I left-- last thing I saw was Ennis' blood stains in the carpet next to the bed where we made love.

\--------------

Didn't feel no better talking to Dr. Malone. That man was always so full of questions but never any answers.

Asked him, "Couldn't you just give me some advice for once?"

"I don't think you want advice, Jack. I think you want answers." 

He got that right. 

"Those are for you to figure out," he added. Expected _me_ to supply the answers? _Me_? The man who says, "I don't know?" _Damn_. 

I tried another avenue. "So how 'bout no answer, just advice? How 'bout that?" I asked. I sat up on the couch, and Doctor Malone, he scratched his beard. I reckoned that was something Freud might do too. 

"Alright, Jack. This is my advice. Look inside yourself. You know the answer."

"That's not advice," I said, waving my arms above my head. "That's a riddle."

"Ah, but it's not so hard."

"Hard for me."

"Alright, Jack. We've talked a lot about your dreams. Let's try what comes before and what comes after. I want you to think about what I ask you before you blurt out anything. Understand?" I nodded. "Now answer this: What do you think about _before_ you go to sleep at night?"

Used to be my day. Used to be work. Used to be Bobby. But now. Weren't hard to answer. I waited a few moments like he asked me to do, then answered, "Ennis." 

"What about Ennis? Think." 

"Some nights I'll think about sex."  I cleared my throat. Was going to say, 'sex with Ennis,' but left that part out. Think he knew anyhow by the way he raised one eyebrow. Decided to close my eyes so he wouldn't distract me. Doc told me once that it might help me open up more, and I sure as hell needed help right now. 

"Mostly I imagine things," I continued. "You know-- what it would be like ta have a life with him. Sometimes we're sittin at a kitchen table, end of the day. I imagine we're talkin to each other about our day, and he's tellin me about horses he's trained, and me, I'm tellin him about my rodeo days, but it really ain't so much what we're sayin-- it's how we're lookin at each other. Way he looks at me like I'm the most important person on this planet. Way he smiles, laughs at what I say."

He waited for me to say more. I didn't. But I thought more-- a whole lot more about those laugh lines around his eyes, and how his arms feel around me, holding me. How his lips felt kissing me. How his fingers moved inside me. How he pushed me into the mattress as he fucked me. And how he whispered "li'l darlin" in my ear after. All this I kept inside. 

He waited. Then asked one last question.

"What is the first thing you do when you wake?"

I wait, eyes closed and frown. "I turn over, open my eyes and see Lureen next to me, and there's this ache in my heart because for a second I thought--" I stopped. Just looked at him. Hard to admit to myself. 

"What, Jack?"

"I thought I'd roll over to see Ennis next ta me."

\------------------------

I got home all hang dog. Got plenty to think about and got some time to do it in. Lureen, she was at work. Note was on the table-- said "call me." Had a lot of explaining to do, never just took off all night before without calling. And today was one of them half days of school for Bobby. About time for him to come home. Note said he'd be taking the bus. Must be after last night Lureen didn't trust me to pick him up.

I got a beer then sat down in my recliner. Wasn't going to call her. If we were going to get into it, I didn't want it to be over the phone. 

TV was off. Turned it on for noise. Heard the familiar Jeopardy! music. Always liked watching that show even if I could never answer most of the questions. Figured I'd learn something from Art Fleming-- maybe I'd learn something that might help my son with his homework--

> _I'll take Ancient History for 80..._
> 
> _...And the answer is..._

Ass ached. Cushion helped. Lureen hated the chair, but never getting rid of it: the old recliner and I formed an intimate bond after all these years. 

> _It's the only Latin novel to survive in its entirety._

I think about the answers I gave Dr. Malone. I think about how although my ass still aches, that it ain't so bad since it reminds me of Ennis.  

> _...What is the Golden Ass._

I stare at the TV. Art Fleming. Shit. Is he my shrink now too? He has answers. Maybe I should listen to him instead. He already knew I'm a golden ass.

> _I'll take Fairy Tales for 20..._

Perfect. Fairy Tales. What am I gonna tell Lureen? How am I gonna tell her? Should have called her last night. Or this morning. She knows I ain't happy even after going to this Dr. Malone. And _she_ sure ain't happy. Putting it off is only prolonging the pain-- I just didn't know the best way to tell her. Truth was hard.

> _...And the answer is..._

But that'd be easy compared to telling Bobby his mommy and daddy were splitting up. 

> _He gave the miller's daughter three days to guess his name or else he took her first-born child..._

'Course he didn't have to know the details-- didn't even know if I should tell Lureen the details. 

> _...Who is Rumpelstiltskin?_

No, not him. Ennis. 

I put my hands over my face. Bobby, what have I done to you? How can I tell you? All that mattered was his mom and dad wouldn't be together no more. That's a sad state of affairs for any kid. Broken home. All because dad likes men. Well, _a_ man. One in particular. 

Door slammed. Thump went the books on the kitchen table. A muffled, "Dad? You home?" came from behind an open refrigerator door.

I stood up. "I'm here, bud."

He walked in, feet scuffing the floor and a worried face. I hugged my boy. Kids know more than you think. Way he was sizing me up, I knew wheels were turning on wheels in his head. I sat down at the kitchen table with him and helped him with some history homework, both of us pretending like nothing was wrong. Later, he went to play with his friend Tom. I think he was making excuses. I was still sitting at the table when I heard Lureen's Buick pull into the drive. My chest tightened as I heard the doorknob turn. 

My biggest fear was that after all I had to say to Lureen, I might not be able to see my son. 

She dropped her purse and keys with a hollow thunk. I could feel her eyes boring a hole in my back. 

"So, Jack, where were you?"

"Out."

 _Wrong answer._ I turned around. She stood, back pressed against the counter and her eyes narrowed.  _I was fucked._

She snorted and crossed her legs at the knees. 

"You go to your psychiatric appointment." Her red nails tapped on the Formica counter. "Four o'clock comes and goes. And when I call the office, they tell me you left at the usual time. I sit here all night, worrying. I call hospitals, all your friends. Nobody's seen ya. I go to bed, tossin and turnin all night expecting you to come through that door. When I get up, and you're still not home. Bobby asked me, 'Where's daddy?' What was I supposed to say, Jack?"

"Ah, shit, Lureen. I'm sorry. I know I should have called."

"Where were you?"

"Don't know where to start."

"I think you'd better start. Explain. Now. This isn't just about your pa dyin, or your mama bein alone--"

"Sit down, Lureen."

"That bad?"  

I nodded. She sighed and plopped down in the chair next to mine. She sat straight up, then turned her chin up. "Spill, Jack."

"I'll always care about you, I will, and Bobby. I can't think about a life without him--"

"But you can think about a life without me? Is that it, Jack?"

"I'm sorry, so sorry, Lureen, but I'm in love with someone else."

I looked at Lureen. Face all washed out. Seemed almost a relief to her. She lifted her chin a bit higher and looked at me.

"Guess I knew, but it wasn't like you had much time fer someone else, all them hours you  work-- just never thought."

"Wasn't lookin for it. Just happened."

"Isn't that what most people say, Jack? 'Just happened, or just one of those things?' I thought you were better than that-- what's the matter, fast-talkin Jack Twist has no excuses?" She spat out the words like they was poison. "Christ, don't know why I'm cryin, not like we been any kind of couple for a long time."

I bent in instinctively to wipe her tears, but she pulled away. 

"Shit, Lureen. Excuses ain't gonna take this away."

"So this is it?" she asked wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

I nodded. How was I gonna tell her the rest? Had to tell her it all. Now was as good a time as any since I was confessing. 

"There's more," I said, weakly.

"More? What? Is she pregnant?" She started tapping her nails again, this time on the table.

"No." I choked out a bitter laugh.

"I know her name," she looked at me like she'd caught my hand in a cookie jar. "That's why I suspected. Her name's Edith. You say her name in your sleep some nights. It's that Edith who works for Norton's Feed, isn't it? Seen the way she looks at you like you're the whipped cream on top of a chocolate pie."

"No," I hesitated. I reckoned this would almost be funny if it weren't so damn sad. That Edith made so many passes at me and never once gave it a thought to sleep with her. Didn't even consider it. But Ennis Del Mar, I see him one time and I can't leave him alone. Lureen's got to know the truth. If I don't tell her now, she'll find out some other way, and I care about her too much for her to hear about it through gossip. _Here it comes._ "It ain't her, Lureen. Name I was sayin was Ennis."

"Ennis? Where'd you meet her?"

"Ennis ain't a her-- Ennis is a he."

Her nails stopped. Her mouth pulled into a thin line. Eyes grew wide. Stunned is what she was. Looked like the wind was knocked out of her.

"What are you sayin, Jack? Are you sayin you're, you're--"

"Queer? Yeah, that's what I'm sayin."

She laughed into her hand. Wasn't the reaction I'd expected, that's fer danged sure.

"Psychiatrist says I'm bisexual."

"Psychiatrist?" she choked, eyes flitting around the room, thinking. "You sure? I mean, he can cure you, can't he? That's it, isn't it-- why you decided ta go ta him."

I sighed. "No, Lureen, it ain't. I thought at first maybe I was sick, but that ain't it. Always been this way, just pretended I was someone I wasn't. Can't do that no more. Ain't no cure for this. It's what I am." Didn't get into it all with Lureen, how part of going to the psychiatrist all these weeks was coming to terms with these feelings I had for Ennis and other feelings I had for men but tried pushing away.

"Guess I could have found out some other way. Come home and found y'all in a compromising position--"

"Come on, I'd never do that to you. No way I'd bring him home here and have you find me with my pants down. Ain't respectable."

"You think any of this is respectable?"

"No, but I won't do that. Not to you or Bobby."

"Glad you told me. Guess it's better than catchin you with your tongue down his throat." Color was starting to come back into her face. "You sure there ain't no cure?"

"I'm sure."

"Guess I've always known."

"Wish you would have filled me in."

"Guess this means the D word."

I nodded.

"We can talk about this some other time. If you don't mind, Jack, I think I need to go out and have a drink."

"Sure that's a good idea? You're all upset." She gave me an evil look. "Fine, go, but be careful." Who was I to tell her different?

Least she didn't say nothing about her daddy. 

 


	11. Final Fuck-up Number 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it my friends, the last chapter. Will Jack fuck up yet again or find love?
> 
> Chapter by elwinglyre

That night as I looked at the ceiling in the guest bedroom, I went over the day's events. Was dark in the room-- one of those Texas nights where no stars or moon lit the sky so I didn't need to close my eyes to think. Laying there, I did plenty of thinking as I waited to hear Lureen's car pull safely in the drive. Felt bad about Lureen-- she loved me in her own way. Never was real passion between us, even that first time was more her than me, but I cared about her. She was more than a companion, she was my friend. I didn't want to lose my friend in all this. Or Bobby.

One good thing that come of this mess of a marriage was Bobby.  _Bobby_. Loved him more than life. He was the only reason why I stayed and took LD's shit all these years. Loved that boy so much. Wanted more for him than I had. I told myself I'd be that daddy that mine never was. I done well with my son. He was a kind, sweet young man. Smart, too. Although lately I'd been piss-poor at showing him how much he meant to me, I loved him and told him that. Something my pa never done.

I loved him. I wondered why that was so hard to say for my pa or was he it that didn't love me? I'll never let a living soul wonder ever again. Telling a person you loved them was damn important. I made sure Bobby would never have a problem saying those words. Sometimes I wondered why I married Lureen. She was like my pa in that respect, saying "I love you" was hard for her. Not hard to understand with a pa like LD. The old man worried me. 

One thing I feared most about all this was losing my boy. Don't think Lureen would cut me out of my son's life even out of spite but LD would. Oh yes, he sure would.

Car pulled into the drive, and I heard Lureen stumble in, swearing as she came down the hall. I called out to tell her I was in the guest bedroom. Didn't want her worrying none. She opened the guest bedroom door, half in and half out of the doorway. 

"I'm in here," I repeated.

"So ya are. Nice you could be with us here tonight." Her voice slurred a bit, and she steadied herself against the frame. 

"Ya ok, Lureen?" 

"Not of a mind ta talk to you now. Goin ta bed and pass out." But she hesitated, looking in on me. "This is really it, ain't it?"

"Yes," I said, "reckon so."

"Goodbye, Jack." Tears rolled down her cheeks. Only the third time I ever seen Lureen cry. First time when we got married, second when Bobby was born. And now.

"Goodnight, Lureen."

Didn't say goodbye, 'cause it wasn't. I closed my eyes, relieved she didn't want to bitch me out none right now-- she could be down-right mean when drunk.

With Lureen home safe, I reckoned I could shut off my brain and get some shut-eye. I let myself drift-- let myself imagine. Jack the dreamer. Time to let myself wish. That night I imagined what the sweet life might be like. Never let myself imagine what it'd be like with Ennis until that moment. Oh, I imagined having a life with him, but not all the details. Never done that. So I let myself. Imagined the ranch-- the one Ennis told me about. Place has a big wrap-around porch and a front door that I painted all white. A horseshoe hangs above the door that Ennis nailed there. I see Ennis and me next to each other in rocking chairs; it's a mid-July evening, and the warmth of summer covers us like a blanket. We rock slow, drinking cold beer and watching the sunset behind the corral. Lightning bugs are just beginning to spark.  His knee brushes against mine with each rock of the chair; feels so comforting. Like home. Safe-secure. A place I ain't ever had. Know all this is just me wishing but for the first time, all this seems possible. Fell asleep with a smile on my lips thinking on the sweet life. 

Dreams weren't so good that night despite my sweet imaginings before. Didn't have nightmares, but they was them kind of dreams where parts of the day sneak in and bite your ass. Kind of dreams you pay close attention to; the kind that my shrink tells me are a window to your soul. 

Dream started off I was picking up Bobby from school. Next thing I know, Ennis is right there in the front seat, sitting next to us. I tell Bobby, "I am the golden ass." Then Lureen appears in the back seat and says, "I can spin straw into gold." I turn around and say, "Not now, Lureen." And Bobby points to Ennis and asks, "Who is he?" and I answer, "Rumpelstiltskin." Then Dr. Malone is there and tells me I missed my appointment. I tell him, no I didn't because this is all a dream, but he sure will love figuring out when I really do have an appointment. Then I ask him, "Can you tell me what this all means so's I don't need to come?" He tells me to figure out the answer myself. Then he disappears and so does Lureen. 

Woke up after that. It was 2 a.m.. I rolled over. No one was there next to me. No Lureen. No Ennis. No one.

_This was not the way it should be._

I got out of bed with a fire in me. It's like nothing I ever had inside of me in my life. I had to talk to Ennis. Nothing was more important at that moment.

Got dressed, wiped the sleep from my eyes and was out the door with truck keys jingling. 

It was dark. Road wasn't out of the way though. Recalled passing this place many a time when out doing sales. 

The flat tire pissed me off more than anything-- like a strike from the gods to keep me from Ennis.

Got out of the truck, cussing. Got the tire iron, jack and spare out of the back of the truck. Damn spare was flat too. Got a can of compressed air out. Had the truck jacked up and all but one of the lugs off when a truck pulled up behind mine.

Two men walked up. Both young, reckoned they might still be in high school.

"Need some help?"

I stood up, wiping my hands on my jeans and walking up to them.

"No, think I got it."

Right then the spare tire blew. Compressed air must of have been too much for it.

We all jumped.

"Ya could of been killed from that!" the one with the letter jacket said.

"Guess I was lucky you two come up on me, or my face would a been down there."

They offered me their spare and I give them my phone number and said I'd buy them a new one. The boys helped me change my tire, and I was off after they give me directions to get to Ennis'.

Finding the ranch was easy. Finding where Ennis lived on the ranch was tricky. Main house was huge. Knew he had to live somewhere near. Was a small house set next to the stables-- seen B-2 in shiny, gold plate next to the door. Nice little set-up. Had to knock a long time. Finally heard feet on the other side. Door opened, and Ennis stood there, hair flat on one side, a sea of waves on the other with two black eyes from my head hitting his nose. 

"Nice place," I said, shifting my weight from side to side.

"Yeah, real nice." Ennis kept him a poker face. Left me wondering what to do.

"You gonna ask me in?" I asked, but Ennis still didn't move to let me in.

"You know what time it is?" 

"I don't know." Like to have cut out my throat for saying them same words. Ennis flinched when he heard them. I tried to cover my woeful inadequacy by saying, "Early." 

"Early..." he repeated. _Shit. Guess that wasn't the right choice._

"Need ta get back for Bobby before he gets up for school, but I needed ta talk to you."

"Come in then."

Like that he stepped aside and let me in. Ennis turned on the light switch. Place had one of those open floor plans where the kitchen, dining and living area was all one but in a goodly space. Ennis' eyes barreled into me as my tongue played on my lips trying to think of what to say first. Instead, my dick was thinking, getting all hard just looking at the man in front of me with no shirt on and boxers slung low. 

"What you have to say?" Ennis asked.

I poked my tongue out again. Was like an invitation to him 'cause he slammed me against the door, body grinding into mine, his mouth greedy and good.

I came up for air. "I told Lureen."

"Good." Then his mouth came down hard on mine again. God, that man almost made me come way he sucked on my tongue. Did it a few minutes then broke away from me again.

"Told her about you, Ennis."

"Good." He unbuckled my belt with a fierce look on his face. Unzipped my jeans right quick like a man on a mission-- next I knew he was on his knees, looking up at me.

"She thought you was Edith," I said, breath coming out all jagged. "Heard me sayin your name in my sleep."

Ennis chuckled then took me in his mouth. _Tarnation._

He stopped and looked up at me. "Ya smell like grease."

"Had a flat on my way here." He chuckled then flicked his tongue on the slit of my dick.

No blow job ever felt as good as his. Took me deep into his mouth. Nothing dainty about the way he was slurping me up and down. Crammed my cock to the root up to his tonsils then slid back to the very tip and scraped his teeth, nice and slow. Had my hands in that soft hair of his, guiding his progress. 

"I want it," I stuttered.

Ennis stopped. 

"What you want?"

"I want it. I want that sweet life."

I could feel that half smile brush against my cock. 

"I want it with you."

He took me in his mouth again and went at me fast and hard. I banged my head against the door as I came, hat went flying. When he was done, Ennis held me steady, pulled my jeans back up and zipped them for me. 

"Now that that's out of our way," Ennis said, patting my crotch for good measure, "maybe you can tell me why you're here."

"Fuck, Ennis, life'll never be borin with you." I picked my hat up off the floor and beat it against my leg.

"Hope not." He headed me to the kitchen table to sit down with a hopeful look on his face. 

"Want some coffee? Only take a minute ta make some. Have one of them newfangled coffee makers. Boss give me one. Place came all furnished."

"That'd be great. Give me a chance to catch my breath." 

"You ain't gettin off that easy--"

"Think I just did."

Ennis laughed. Loved hearing it.

"Ain't you the comedian," Ennis said, measuring out the Maxwell House. "Think you're Red Skelton or something."

"Red Skelton's old time. Maybe one of them Laugh-In comedians."

"That hippie stuff ain't been on for years either." He poured the water in, then turned to me. "So, ya here ta talk about the popular culture or are ya here ta tell me what ya decided?"

"Like I said, I told Lureen. She took it better than I thought she would. Still, it ain't set in yet for her. The real problem ain't gonna be her anyhow-- it's gonna be her daddy that gives me grief."

"Think she'll tell him?"

"If she don't, she'll tell her mama and that's just the same as tellin him. Don't want nothin from her old man, but he could put some bug in Lureen's ear about me seein Bobby."

"Know how that is."

"Reckon ya do." 

Ennis poured coffee into one mug while putting the other mug quick under the stream of the coffeemaker. 

"Cream and sugar," I said.

"I remember."

He set the coffee in front of me. Mug was chipped. Had the word Dad in big, blue lettering. Run my thumb across them letters and then the chips.

Could hear the rumblings of a thunderstorm off in the distance. Felt the charge of electricity in the air. 

"Love you, Del Mar." I looked up at him. Poker face was long gone. His mouth twitched as he looked at the letters my thumb was tracing.

"Where'd that come from?"

"I could answer yer 'where from' by sayin somethin sappy like 'my heart' but you probably think I'd be gettin all girly on ya."

"No, I wouldn't think you were girly, and I like hearin ya say them words. I been waitin my whole life ta find someone who I felt like this about. Hearin you say that makes me feel like I done the right thing movin here."

I frowned. "People don't like queers any better here than where you come from."

Storm was almost on us. Lightning flashed, and lit up the room. I wondered what them two high school boys would of done if they'd known who I was coming to see and why.

"Reckon we'd have ta face that anywhere, but this don't have to be where we stay for good. Like I said, I've saved me some money. Like to start a place with you."

I sipped the coffee and watched him as he moved slow into the chair next ta mine. The rain started-- big drops hit the roof, one then two then slowly multiplying. 

"I worked hard all my life," I said. "LD's been tryin to get rid of me for years-- even offered me money in the past. Never took it. What Lureen and I got, we earned. Half of it's mine. I reckon in time, I'll have somethin to put together with yours, and we can have us a nice spread."

"So what you plan to do until that time?"

I looked over the mug of coffee at Ennis. Lightning flashed, lit up all the windows, was like God looking in. I was hoping he'd give me a suggestion or maybe Ennis would, but neither of them were going to give me a break. "Well, I'd be downright uncomfortable livin in the guest bedroom. I don't think Lureen will care ta have me under the same roof with her now. Just too painful. Don't want ta go far while Bobby's still in school; I want to be near my boy. Have ta find me another job too. God, can't tell ya how happy I am not ta work for LD and look at his face no more. Findin another job-- that's not so hard. Had plenty of offers over the years."

"Could come live here and work with me."

Looked into his eyes looking deep into mine-- was so close to him could see my own reflection in that hazy brown. Knew he was trying to gauge what I was thinking. All I could think of was what people might think, like those boys on the road, two queers living together. Heard my pa's cruel words in my ears. Pansy, baby, queer, fag. Almost laughed. Hell, ended up half of them words was right. 

Rain was coming down hard now, like waves splashing the windows. I looked down in my coffee then up into them brown eyes of his soon as he started to speak.

"Clyde, my boss, knows what I am. Told him before I even took this job. Told him I had a good friend who knows how to handle himself around horses. He knew that this job came along with you. Said I could do whatever I wanted long as I did my job." 

"He might not be so obliging when he finds out I'm LD's son-in-law."

"That ain't gonna matter. He hates LD. I figured you'd know there was bad blood between em, you bein from here."

"I'm not _from_ here. I know a lot of what goes on, can't help it, place is so small, but I try to stay out of gossip."

"Ain't gossip. Let's just say he don't take too kindly ta LD's way of runnin a business. Clyde was raised out east and came back here, so's he's acceptin of differences."  Ennis leaned over, looking hopeful at me. "I don't expect you to move in here tonight, but just so ya know, I want ya here."

Lightning and thunder come together right then. Both of us jumped. Was a close hit.

"I got to get home. After not comin home last night, Bobby's gun-shy. Haven't told him, but pretty sure Bobby knows what's comin--"

"When ya gonna tell him?"

"Ain't no point puttin it off-- don't want him hearin it from someone else."

"Ya mean from his grandpa?"

"Got that right." I grabbed my hat off the table and put it on my head. "I reckon Lureen and I should do it together."

"Rainin hard. Could wait a bit fer it ta let up, ya got time."

I put my hand on his knee, and he looked down, placed his hand on top of mine and smiled. 

"You got something on your mind?" he asked.

Didn't need no words after that. Both of us stood up. He took my hat back off and put it in the closet next to the door. Showed me to his bedroom. Lights flickered then went out. Fine with me-- didn't need to spend time looking at his new furnishings-- just wanted to feel Ennis inside me. Lights came back on just before I got out of bed.  He pulled me down for one long kiss. Told him to stay right there, 'cause that's the way I wanted to remember him until I come back.

Went to the closet and got my hat. Pulled the string to turn on the light. And then I seen them-- both our shirts together. Mine was inside and Ennis' was out. Knew then just how much Ennis Del Mar loved me. He took my shirt and put it with his, kept us together. For always. Was hope is what it was. His hope and now it was mine. Our sweat and blood turned from two to one. This was what Ennis wanted. Us together. Wiped the tears out of my eyes. I was gonna make sure Ennis got the dream, his hope. Those shirts was our future. _Yes, this was gonna be a sweet life._

Touched the shirts one more time before putting on my hat. I smiled as I shut the closet. 

Hate leaving, but I knew as I stepped out that back door, I wasn't walking out of Ennis' life-- I was walking in.

**The End**

(or at least the end of this part of Jack's life and on to a new one)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Comments and Kudos appreciated.
> 
> Follow me on Tumblr: [**elwinglyre Tumblr**](https://elwinglyre.tumblr.com/)!


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